reposted from previous blog...
I met with a friend yesterday that I dearly love. Her and I both had babies that were very difficult and had higher needs than most babies. They also have fun personalities and are strong-willed, which I think are great qualities in adults. We used to have playdates where we would each wear our babies in our Moby wraps and bounce or walk to keep our babies calm so that we could then talk. Our babies didn’t sleep through the night at week 8 (which I think is unrealistic for any baby) and they fussed a whole lot more than the average baby. So does this make them “bad” babies? Of course no one would actually say this but they may think it. Or, they may say it by implying that the opposite characteristics make a “good” baby.
People describe their baby as “good” if they sleep through the night at a young age and are generally happy and content and don’t cry. (and this idea is perpetuated by a very popular parenting book) They are low maintenance and don’t require much extra attention. If a new mom describes her baby as the above other moms will say to her that she has such a “good” baby, and sometimes also say or imply that she is a “good” mom. (like she created this baby’s personality or temperament or something)
Well, I would like to say that there is no “bad” or “good” baby. Yes, some babies tend to be more “easy” or more “difficult”. Some seem to be more “content and happy” and some seem to be more “fussy”, but this does not make them “good” or “bad”. I struggled with this idea for a long time when I first had a baby that qualified as a high needs baby. For some reason, God in His infinite wisdom saw it fit to give me a baby that was a little more difficult than most and much more fussy than most (oh, and throw in acid reflux and sensitive stomach to the mix too) but she was a “good” baby. God doesn’t make “bad” babies. Yes, we are all born sinful and depraved…I get that. But I truly believe a baby’s cry doesn’t equal sin, especially in those first few months. Crying is simply a form of communication and some babies just need to communicate a lot more to get their needs met and to feel “right”. If you couldn’t speak, how would you communicate that you had a need you needed to be met? Anyway, I digress, I really struggled with comparing Brooklyn to other “easier” babies that people would say were such “good” babies. I wondered why God didn’t give me an easy baby or what I was doing wrong. But now looking back, I am so thankful that God didn’t give me an “easy” baby. Having a difficult baby made me depend on God’s grace so much more than I would have otherwise. Also, Brooklyn drove me to search out other parenting styles than the mainstream styles I had been told about in most Christian circles. Having a baby like Brooklyn drove me to a more attached parenting style and I am so grateful for that. Having Brooklyn drove me to a new and different way of being wise about babies. I am very grateful that Brooklyn was usually only happy while being worn or being nursed. This made our bond so strong it is unbelievable. If Brooklyn were an “easy” baby I may have thought I was doing things to make her “easy” and taken credit myself.
So, be encouraged dear Mama of a “difficult” high needs baby. And consider bumping up your attachment parenting a notch. These babies just may have more of a need to be close to mama to feel right. For a look into what attachment parenting is check out this… http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t130100.asp
And Mama of the “easy” baby please be sensitive in how you talk to a mom of a more difficult baby and please be very careful when you use words like “good” and “bad”. Many of those “bad” babies with very strong personalities will probably grow up to be the leaders of the next generation….just sayin’.
I met with a friend yesterday that I dearly love. Her and I both had babies that were very difficult and had higher needs than most babies. They also have fun personalities and are strong-willed, which I think are great qualities in adults. We used to have playdates where we would each wear our babies in our Moby wraps and bounce or walk to keep our babies calm so that we could then talk. Our babies didn’t sleep through the night at week 8 (which I think is unrealistic for any baby) and they fussed a whole lot more than the average baby. So does this make them “bad” babies? Of course no one would actually say this but they may think it. Or, they may say it by implying that the opposite characteristics make a “good” baby.
People describe their baby as “good” if they sleep through the night at a young age and are generally happy and content and don’t cry. (and this idea is perpetuated by a very popular parenting book) They are low maintenance and don’t require much extra attention. If a new mom describes her baby as the above other moms will say to her that she has such a “good” baby, and sometimes also say or imply that she is a “good” mom. (like she created this baby’s personality or temperament or something)
Well, I would like to say that there is no “bad” or “good” baby. Yes, some babies tend to be more “easy” or more “difficult”. Some seem to be more “content and happy” and some seem to be more “fussy”, but this does not make them “good” or “bad”. I struggled with this idea for a long time when I first had a baby that qualified as a high needs baby. For some reason, God in His infinite wisdom saw it fit to give me a baby that was a little more difficult than most and much more fussy than most (oh, and throw in acid reflux and sensitive stomach to the mix too) but she was a “good” baby. God doesn’t make “bad” babies. Yes, we are all born sinful and depraved…I get that. But I truly believe a baby’s cry doesn’t equal sin, especially in those first few months. Crying is simply a form of communication and some babies just need to communicate a lot more to get their needs met and to feel “right”. If you couldn’t speak, how would you communicate that you had a need you needed to be met? Anyway, I digress, I really struggled with comparing Brooklyn to other “easier” babies that people would say were such “good” babies. I wondered why God didn’t give me an easy baby or what I was doing wrong. But now looking back, I am so thankful that God didn’t give me an “easy” baby. Having a difficult baby made me depend on God’s grace so much more than I would have otherwise. Also, Brooklyn drove me to search out other parenting styles than the mainstream styles I had been told about in most Christian circles. Having a baby like Brooklyn drove me to a more attached parenting style and I am so grateful for that. Having Brooklyn drove me to a new and different way of being wise about babies. I am very grateful that Brooklyn was usually only happy while being worn or being nursed. This made our bond so strong it is unbelievable. If Brooklyn were an “easy” baby I may have thought I was doing things to make her “easy” and taken credit myself.
So, be encouraged dear Mama of a “difficult” high needs baby. And consider bumping up your attachment parenting a notch. These babies just may have more of a need to be close to mama to feel right. For a look into what attachment parenting is check out this… http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t130100.asp
And Mama of the “easy” baby please be sensitive in how you talk to a mom of a more difficult baby and please be very careful when you use words like “good” and “bad”. Many of those “bad” babies with very strong personalities will probably grow up to be the leaders of the next generation….just sayin’.
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