So, here goes my story about my why I'm not Babywise. I want to approach this post with huge amounts of grace and sensitivity for those who may read this, and I hope you will do the same for me. This series is my personal story of why I'm not Babywise.
A bit of a disclaimer: I have put off and put off and put off writing this because I DO NOT want to offend anyone or come across judgmental. Many of my close friends implement several of the principles taught in Babywise. In fact, my very best friend and I disagree about Babywise, but at the end of the day we still LOVE EACH OTHER. Also, I think it is important to say that most all of my friends I know that implement aspects of Babywise are AMAZING MOMS. In fact, some of my favorite kids belong to families that use Babywise principles. I am in no way trying to condemn Babywise moms or tell you that you are doing things wrong. One thing that I have learned over the past few months is that different things work for different families and different babies.
Also, most of my friends do not follow every word that Gary Ezzo lays out in Babywise. They use the wisdom and discernment bestowed on them by God to sift through the various principles Gary Ezzo suggests. However, Gary Ezzo urges his readers not to deviate from anything he teaches or lays out in his book. He teaches that you should implement all of it into your parenting. I do have a problem with that, and in later posts I will go into more details on the actual principles that I am not fond of.
Like I said, this is my story. I am in no way trying to convert Babywise moms to a different way of parenting, or to tell you that if you use Babywise you are doing things wrong or are a bad mom. In fact, I think the reverse is usually true. Moms that don't use Babywise or another form of baby training seem to be in the minority these days, especially among the Christian community. At many times I have felt very isolated and haven't found many "real life" moms that I could talk to about baby issues without getting "babywise advice". When I would talk about my baby girl being fussy or not sleeping through the night yet, I always wondered if they were thinking, "well, that's because you didn't make her cry it out, or because you held her too much", or "you just need to get her on a schedule".
My purpose in doing this series is so that moms who wonder if Babywise is the only way will see that it is not the only way to parent babies. There is in fact, a different way that might appeal to many moms out there who wouldn't know about it otherwise. So many new moms are handed a Babywise book by another mom and they read it and think they have to follow every bit or they are a failure. Many of those moms aren't comfortable with many of the methods suggested in this book, but don't know of any other way, so they end up using Babywise principles against their own better judgement. Or they believe the lie that Ezzo teaches that if they don't use Babywise they will produce a spoiled, bratty, unhappy, sleep deprived baby. Many moms reluctantly use Babywise because they don't know of any other way because most of the Christian culture uses Babywise principles. My purpose is to show that there is in fact another way. A way that isn't about rules and methods, but is about depending on the Lord and the natural mothering instinct that He instills inside of us.
If you have used Babywise and loved it then good for you. Great for you actually! I know that there are many moms out there who do love it and it has worked great to meet the needs of their family and their baby. I am not judging you or telling you that you are wrong. I just want to make that clear. There is so much pressure on moms and we are constantly doubting ourselves enough as it is. I am not here to add to that pressure or tell you that you did it all wrong. My baby is only 10 months old so my perspective is very fresh and new and I am simply sharing from my experiences. I am not a baby/child psychologist, pediatrician, or child behavior expert. I am just a mom to a sweet baby girl sharing my story....
About why I'm not Babywise....
Before I share my story in following posts I encourage you to research for yourself as I did.
Here are some places to get started researching:
Information on the author of Babywise, Gary Ezzo
Babywise Series by Sorta Crunchy
On Becoming Ezzowise
Ezzo Week by Tulip Girl
Confessions of a failed Babywiser
Ezzo Parenting
Also, spend some time thinking about God the Father and how he parents you. Meditate on His character and think about His grace and love for you.
This is a great discussion to have. I know a lot of great moms who use babywise, and I know a lot of great moms who don't. I do think it's good for moms to know that the principles laid out in his books aren't the ONLY way to do things, because when your church teaches his classes or all of your mom friends are raving about his book, it's hard to see that not everybody does it this way.
ReplyDeleteI am convinced that letting Jude cry-it-out would have caused more problems than it is supposed to fix. He had silent reflux and we never would have caught it if we'd let him cio or if we'd believed that he was only crying to manipulate us. He also has some serious sensory issues that keep him from being able to calm himself down. It just wouldn't have worked and it would have been miserable for us all.
These principles work fine for some babies, but they shouldn't be presented as a one-size-fits all kind of thing. That's why I really like Dr. Sears's books. He's very "here are several options, do what's best for your family."
Another way. Yes, indeed. Grace and peace to you and your readers as you navigate this topic together!
ReplyDeleteI look forward to reading more. I'm glad you're sharing your experience and letting others know that there is another way.
ReplyDeleteLove this! So glad you are charting these somewhat uneasy waters. I had often thought about starting a post/series about this very same topic - why I'm NOT babywise... but, I've barely finished the gazillion other posts on other topics in my draft section of our blog. I'm looking forward to reading more.
ReplyDeleteI started reading babywise during Braddock's first month (much to the dismay of my doulas). After fretting over the "how tos" and trying to make sense of how to do it all - I gave up and just RELAXED. I let Braddock be Braddock and me be me. And that was the most freeing and best thing I could have done for US. I think every parent should have their own book, "Candace-wise for the Hewitt babies" "Chalise-wise for Bondurant babies". :) After all, we are the best experts for our own babies! :)
I honestly could not tell you anything about Babywise (I have not read the book or heard other moms talk about it), but I do know that "cio" is not for me and my child. I look forward to reading more about this post. Thanks for sharing! Maybe I will learn something. Haha
ReplyDeleteI never knew about babywise with my firstborn, and im glad i didn't, because it would have been more cause for guilt or rules i couldn't have kept at that point.
ReplyDeleteBut i am thankful for the things i have learnt from it, thru friends, since. With my 2nd and 3rd i have successfully sleep-trained them with a little crying it out- probably more from the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Marc Weis-somebody than the Ezzo books. And it really did change things- less tantruming, more routine (which also comes naturally with having more kids), more "peace" in the house (Lately we are discovering that "peace" does not always go hand in hand with "quiet"!)
I think that it's important though, that with the cio, you are very in tune with your baby. Baby is always sleeping in arms reach of me until he's at least 4 mo and i would never cio before then.
I don't believe I knew enough with my first, to be able to tell what's complaining, what's discomfort, what's hunger, what's sadness etc. This has certainly developed with each baby.
That's my 2c worth. I am definitely more enthused to read yr series about why yr not babywise, now that i've finally read this page - I was a bit worried it might be a judgemental one and I've just been enjoying yr other posts instead. :)