Before reading any further please read my introduction and disclaimer here. This is the second post in the series. Gary Ezzo wrote a book called On Becoming Babywise, and also material and curriculum called Growing Kids God's Way. I have only read On Becoming Babywise 1995 edition.
You would think someone like me would be a perfect candidate for Babywise. I am very Type A (but being married to a type B has helped me calm down a bit), and I love planning. I hate to not know what my calendar holds or what my day is going to look like. I like to be in charge of my schedule and I love to be on time. I hate being late and I hate canceling appointments. I like predictability, and I am not prone to being flexible. Oh, and I love sleep. I mean, who doesn't? (Being in the south has really challenged my personality in a lot of these areas. These folks are just overall more laid back).
So of course when I heard about the principles in Babywise when I was in college it sounded great. As a college student, I especially loved sleep. Getting a daily nap in was very important, right? You remember those carefree college days. So when I heard about getting your baby to sleep through the night at a very young age and getting them on a predictable schedule it sounded wonderful! I don't think I knew at the time that these principles came from a book called Babywise, but I am pretty sure they did.
Also in college I was learning more about reformed theology and human depravity. The Bible clearly teaches that we are sinful from conception and are born sinners. Babies are sinners. I remember using this illustration as an analogy several times when I was sharing about sin: "If you have ever been around a newborn baby it is clear to see that we are born sinful. They are so selfish and only want their own way. They cry all the time because they are selfish and sinful and want their needs met." (I now see that although we are all born sinful, a newborn baby's cry is not an expression of that sin. A newborn baby's cry is a reflex and a newborn baby cries to communicate, not to manipulate. )
Then as I graduated and many of my friends started having babies, I started hearing about the principles in Babywise a lot more. It still sounded great to me. One of my close friends was telling me about how her babies would start sleeping through the night around 8 weeks or so. This sounded simply heavenly to me. She also told me about "cry it out" and this sounded fine too. If this cry it out method was helping them sleep through the night at 8 weeks then it couldn't be all bad, could it? There was even another girl we went to college with that posted some stuff on facebook about "crying it out" being bad for babies and we talked about how crazy of an idea this was. How ironic that I go to this girl now for advice, and that people now probably talk about how crazy my ideas are. Hah! How the tables have turned, huh?
Then I got married and a year later conceived a baby. I began researching pregnancy and childbirth options and decided on homebirth. For that story click here. After entering into the world of homebirth I began to be exposed to a more natural approach to parenting and started hearing terms like "attachment parenting". I was leery of attachment parenting because of common myths I had heard about it. I didn't want to raise a spoiled bratty baby after all. Towards the beginning of my pregnancy I was convinced that I would read and implement Babywise. I bought this book at a local bookstore early in my pregnancy but didn't read it right away. Instead I began reading birth books that leaned in the more natural direction since I was planning a homebirth. I also took a birthing class and a breastfeeding class along with my husband that leaned towards more of a natural style of parenting. We read a couple of articles on "attachment" but the teaching didn't directly advocate attachment parenting. Still, I started thinking that there might be a different way then just Babywise.
Then, a friend loaned me a book that changed the course of my parenting. When she loaned it to me she said that a friend of hers that didn't like Babywise gave it to her. At this point I was still kinda thinking, "Why wouldn't someone like Babywise?" I took it and decided I would read it just to get a different perspective. Why not, right?
After finishing up all my birth books, I picked up this book... The Complete Book of Christian Parenting & Child Care
by Dr. Sears. I loved it right away. What?! A Christian that teaches something other than fear based parenting and crying it out methods? This book totally changed my perspective on babies and parenting. Dr. Sears coined the phrase "attachment parenting", although mothers and fathers have been practicing the principles of attachment parenting for centuries. Needless to say, this started me down the path of thinking that maybe Babywise wasn't the wisest way to parent a baby. At least not as a cut and dry method, or a one size fits all program for every baby.I decided I still wanted to read Babywise so I could see what all the hype was about and understand where my friends were coming from and what they were being taught by this Gary Ezzo guy. I read it from cover to cover. I will admit there are some worthwhile things to learn about in this book, but several other more helpful baby friendly books talk about routine and breastfeeding much more thoroughly and sensitively. Most of this book, and the general attitude of Gary Ezzo, rubbed me the wrong way. There are several things in this book that I disagree with that I will address in later posts.
After reading Babywise I was even more convinced that I did not want to do things this way. I wanted to follow my God-given mothering insticts and I wanted to depend on the Spirit to parent my baby, not rules and methods laid out by a man. I wanted to model the servant-leadership of Christ to my baby. I wanted to seek to put her first as Philippians 2 teaches. If I want my baby to see Christ through me and to see what kind of Father God is I have to model that to her. I found many of the principles in Babywise to be unbiblical. I also found that many issues that are non-biblical Ezzo turned into commands and musts that God never intended or laid out in His word.
I am so glad that I came across this different way of parenting, this natural, instinctive way of parenting, this attached, bonded style of parenting, this family-centered style of parenting, this gentle, baby sensitive style of parenting.
I am so glad that the Lord showed me that He is the only One who can show us how to raise kids God's way. He is the ultimate authority on parenting, and it is on He that I depend on every day to lead me and guide me as I parent my baby girl. He created each baby in his/her mother's womb with different temperaments and unique needs, and He is the expert on parenting each baby. It is on Him that we should lean on.
For more on my views of parenting you can check out this post.
Please stay with me as I go through specific methods and principles that Gary Ezzo teaches that I believe to be medically and biblically inaccurate, and most of all why they didn't/wouldn't have worked for us. The rest of the posts I hope to keep much shorter. I know I 'm long winded. Thanks for reading to the end!
Please remember as you post comments not to attack one another as mothers but to critique the principles of Babywise, not those that implement various principles he teaches. Please give one another grace as we all seek to parent our babies the best way we know how.
Well, what about you? What is your story in Why You're Not Babywise, or Why You are Babywise?
I was baby wise with both of my girls. I have a new one on the way and I'm undecided about what to do. I know that when I don't get enough sleep I am no longer a good parent, but I think that baby wise is a bit harsh.
ReplyDeleteOur second born has a mind of her own, and I started to realize that through harsh discipline I was starting to loose her gentle cuddly side. I decided it was more important to have her intact than to have her well behaved (not that we don't still discipline, it's just more relaxed).
That's what started me looking into alternative ways to parent Biblically. I'm still sorting through it all, but we're changing slowly. I want the way we parent to fit with our world view and also what we believe Jesus to be. I can't say that we'll ever be total attachment parents because truth be told I just can't handle being touched that much.
So we'll see where we end up on this journey, I'm sure it'll be some kind of hybrid because one size really doesn't fit all... Thanks for your thoughts.
Such an interesting story to read. So glad you're sharing it!
ReplyDeleteI was introduced to attachment parenting through a very innocuous comment on a pregnancy/parenting forum, talking about purchasing a sling for the soon-to-arrive baby. As I checked out the babywearing link included in the discussion, I ended up reading more and more about various aspects of attachment parenting. I'm so grateful for the lady who brought it up!
I was blessed to find Dr. Sears' Baby Book while I was pregnant with my first son 17 years ago. I now have five sons and they have all been BF longer than others think is acceptable, have slept in our bed until they were about two+, and been worn in slings.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about feeling like a "misfit". Being a Christian, homeschooling, APing mom who cooks real food and refuses to buy junk food and sodas makes me stick out like a sore thumb. :)
I was introduced to AP through my husband's family. My mother-in-law raised 7 wonderful children (and my husband is one of them :)) following AP style. My hubby is the most wonderful, carrying Daddy a child can wish for! Although, as his Mom says, he was one of the hardest babies she had. All of his siblings have really strong bond with their parents. All of them are very smart, successful and very confident people, who deal well with stress. So, seeing the long-term effects of AP was a major plus in my decision to parent this way.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing is that my own parents was also following AP in raising me and my brother (although they probably didn't know it at the time, they just followed their instincts), so the thought of leaving a baby to cry it out wasn't even on my mind - actually sometimes it was, but I just couldn't make myself do it :)
I've never heard of Babywise till my mother-in-law mentioned it - oldest of her children married a girl who was raised by Babywise parents and was going to implement Babywise with her own children (and she is actually doing it now, my nieces are raised following Babywise principles). My MIL said how it breaks her heart to see her granddaughters CIO and be so strictly scheduled. Don't get me wrong, my sister-in-law is a great person and I love my nieces, but now seeing Babywise in action I am so happy I'm not going that way!
I also notice that my SIL has hard time dealing with stress, she needs to sleep A LOT, too. My nieces also sleep a lot (the oldest at 4 years old still takes 2 hour nap). It also seems that my SIL gets overwhelmed by trying to schedule everyone's naps and meals - having 3 young kids who need to nap at certain times for a certain amount of time and have full meals at certain times is hard! She also can't go out much with the kiddos, since they need to be on a schedule and be back and have their sleeps by X o'clock.
I love the freedom of AP! :) But to each their own, right? :)
Sorry for the long post! Love your series!