My "Why I'm Not Babywise" Story, Ezzo Week 2011

This is a repost in honor of  Ezzo Week with Tulip Girl

Welcome to the  Why I'm Not Babywise Series

Before reading any further please read my introduction and disclaimer here. This is the second post in the series. Gary Ezzo wrote a book called On Becoming Babywise, and also material and curriculum called Growing Kids God's Way. I have only read On Becoming Babywise 1995 edition. 

You would think someone like me would be a perfect candidate for Babywise. I am very Type A (but being married to a type B has helped me calm down a bit), and I love planning. I hate to not know what my calendar holds or what my day is going to look like. I like to be in charge of my schedule and I love to be on time. I hate being late and I hate canceling appointments. I like predictability, and I am not prone to being flexible.  Oh, and I love sleep. I mean, who doesn't? (Being in the south has really challenged my personality in a lot of these areas. These folks are just overall more laid back).

So of course when I heard about the principles in Babywise when I was in college it sounded great. As a college student, I especially loved sleep. Getting a daily nap in was very important, right? You remember those carefree college days. So when I heard about getting your baby to sleep through the night at a very young age and getting them on a predictable schedule it sounded wonderful! I don't think I knew at the time that these principles came from a book called Babywise, but I am pretty sure they did.
Also in college I was learning more about reformed theology and human depravity. The Bible clearly teaches that we are sinful from conception and are born sinners. Babies are sinners. I remember using this illustration as an analogy several times when I was sharing about sin: "If you have ever been around a newborn baby it is clear to see that we are born sinful. They are so selfish and only want their own way. They cry all the time because they are selfish and sinful and want their needs met." (I now see that although we are all born sinful, a newborn baby's cry is not an expression of that sin. A newborn baby's cry is a reflex and a newborn baby cries to communicate, not to manipulate. )
Then as I graduated and many of my friends started having babies, I started hearing about the principles in Babywise a lot more. It still sounded great to me. One of my close friends was telling me about how her babies would start sleeping through the night around 8 weeks or so. This sounded simply heavenly to me. She also told me about "cry it out" and this sounded fine too. If this cry it out method was helping them sleep through the night at 8 weeks then it couldn't be all bad, could it?There was even another girl we went to college with that posted some stuff on facebook about "crying it out" being bad for babies and we talked about how crazy of an idea this was. How ironic that I go to this girl now for advice, and that people now probably talk about how crazy my ideas are. Hah! How the tables have turned, huh?

Then I got married and a year later conceived a baby. I began researching pregnancy and childbirth options and decided on homebirth.  For that story click here. After entering into the world of homebirth I began to be exposed to a more natural approach to parenting and started hearing terms like "attachment parenting". I was leery of attachment parenting because of common myths I had heard about it. I didn't want to raise a spoiled bratty baby after all.  Towards the beginning of my pregnancy I was convinced that I would read and implement Babywise. I bought this book at a local bookstore early in my pregnancy but didn't read it right away. Instead I began reading birth books that leaned in the more natural direction since I was planning a homebirth. I also took a birthing class and a breastfeeding class along with my husband that leaned towards more of a natural style of parenting. We read a couple of articles on "attachment" but the teaching didn't directly advocate attachment parenting. Still,  I started thinking that there might be a different way then just Babywise.

Then, a friend loaned me a book that changed the course of my parenting.  When she loaned it to me she said that a friend of hers that didn't like Babywise gave it to her. At this point I was still kinda thinking, "Why wouldn't someone like Babywise?" I took it and decided I would read it just to get a different perspective. Why not, right?
After finishing up all my birth books, I picked up this book... The Complete Book of Christian Parenting & Child Care by Dr. Sears. I loved it right away.  What?! A Christian that teaches something other than fear based parenting and crying it out methods? This book totally changed my perspective on babies and parenting. Dr. Sears coined the phrase "attachment parenting", although mothers and fathers have been practicing the principles of attachment parenting for centuries. Needless to say, this started me down the path of thinking that maybe Babywise wasn't the wisest way to parent a baby. At least not as a cut and dry method, or a one size fits all program for every baby.

I decided I still wanted to read Babywise so I could see what all the hype was about and understand where my friends were coming from and what they were being taught by this Gary Ezzo guy. I read it from cover to cover. I will admit there are some worthwhile things to learn about in this book, but several other more helpful baby friendly books talk about routine and breastfeeding much more thoroughly and sensitively. Most of this book, and the general attitude of Gary Ezzo, rubbed me the wrong way. There are several things in this book that I disagree with that I will address in later posts.

After reading Babywise I was even more convinced that I did not want to do things this way. I wanted to follow my God-given mothering insticts and I wanted to depend on the Spirit to parent my baby, not rules and methods laid out by a man. I wanted to model the servant-leadership of Christ to my baby. I wanted to seek to put her first as Philippians 2 teaches. If I want my baby to see Christ through me and to see what kind of Father God is I have to model that to her. I found many of the principles in Babywise to be unbiblical. I also found that many issues that are non-biblical Ezzo turned into commands and musts that God never intended or laid out in His word.

I am so glad that I came across this different way of parenting, this natural, instinctive way of parenting, this attached, bonded style of parenting, this family-centered style of parenting, this gentle, baby sensitive style of parenting.

I am so glad that the Lord showed me that He is the only One who can show us how to raise kids God's way. He is the ultimate authority on parenting, and it is on He that I depend on every day to lead me and guide me as I parent my baby girl. He created each baby in his/her mother's womb with different temperaments and unique needs, and He is the expert on parenting each baby. It is on Him that we should lean on.

For more on my views of parenting you can check out this post.

Please stay with me as I go through specific methods and principles that Gary Ezzo teaches that I believe to be medically and biblically inaccurate, and most of all why they didn't/wouldn't have worked for us. The rest of the posts I hope to keep much shorter. I know I 'm long winded. Thanks for reading to the end!
Please remember as you post comments not to attack one another as mothers but to critique the principles of Babywise, not those that implement various principles he teaches. Please give one another grace as we all seek to parent our babies the best way we know how. 


Well, what about you? What is your story in Why You're Not Babywise, or Why You are Babywise?

So What About Growing Kids God's Way?

I talk a lot about Babywise because that is the only Ezzo book I've read, so what about the rest of their material?

Here is a GREAT post by tulip girl with links to TONS of other resources!

What about GKGW?

Ezzo Week with Tulip Girl

In honor of the 8th Annual Ezzo Week hosted by fellow blogger, Tulip Girl, I will be reposting a few of my favorite Babywise posts. 


But go ahead and click around on all of them that interest you, and please do check out Tulip Girl's blog. Tons of valuable info and resources to be found indeed!



Welcome to the Why I'm Not Babywise Series. The author of On Becoming Babywise, Garry Ezzo, also wrote curriculum geared towards Christians called Growing Kids God's Way. I have only read the 1995 edition of On Becoming Babywise. I have never read GKGW or Toddlerwise or any other Gary Ezzo "wise" books. So it is only to Babywise that I can speak. I have heard of principles he lays out in GKGW so that may come through a bit in my writing, but I never read it myself. Welcome to the my first blogging series!
 An Intro Please read this disclaimer and intro before reading any of the other posts or you won't understand the context of any other posts)

 My Story
The Author's Character Counts  
My Prayer as a New Parent
From mainstream mama to "crazy" mama. One mom's story 
I'm "that mom" in Chapter One, except I'm not PART ONE
I'm "that mom" PART TWO 
Wisdom from a Veteran Mom of 4
Are babies born to BE SERVANTS or to BE SERVED?
Babywise is NOT the Bible: Parenting by the Law or by the Spirit?
My best friend's Babywise story, and why it worked for her... 
One of my best friend's parenting story and her thoughts on Babywise 
Scheduling, Boobs, and Bottle, part one 


Here is some researching you can do:Information on the author of Babywise, Gary Ezzo
Babywise Series by Sorta Crunchy
On Becoming Ezzowise
Ezzo Week by Tulip Girl
Confessions of a failed Babywiser
Ezzo Parenting

My "Real Life" Like-Minded Memphis Mama Friend: Natelie shares her parenting/Babywise story

If you are just now joining us for the Why I'm Not Babywise Series, Welcome! Please take some time to read the previous posts, especially my Intro/Disclaimer so you can read the rest of the posts in context. I am seeking to be very sensitive to my readers who may implement Babywise. I pray we can all show one another grace as we seek to parent all of our babies in the way God leads us. I invite considerate comments, whether you agree or disagree. 

As I have different moms share their stories about what did or did not work for them from Babywise please be considerate of their thoughts and feelings. This is my friend Natelie's story. She is one of my few "real life" mom friends with which I can really share my heart about parenting. She has been SUCH a huge blessing. We both had very colicky newborns and spent many hours together bouncing our babies in their Moby Wraps while we talked and encouraged one another. She is such a sensitive, tender-hearted mom and a wonderful friend.  Without further ado, here is her story:

Before having children, I had visions of how I thought that I would parent and what things would be like as a mom. I am a very routine and scheduled person and knew that my child would just adapt to my schedule. I like to go when I want to and do what I want and a little one wasn't going to change that much. Cry it out? Most definitely. It won't hurt them and they will learn to sleep when needed. I will feed them as the books recommend and ensure that they are getting the proper amount of sleep as instructed. I thought that I had things figured out for the most part and didn't think that there was much I couldn't handle. 

Reality check!! I did not have things figured out in the slightest. When Isaac was born, it felt like my world was almost instantly turned upside down. Once I held this little one in my arms, my views, ideas, and perceptions of things changed. When God blessed and entrusted ME with this son, I suddenly didn't feel the same way about things.  

I felt such a strong desire to nurture and build a trusting relationship with Isaac. I wanted him to know that I was there to respond to his needs. I wanted to learn what his cries meant and respond to them in the proper manner. I wanted to build a secure attachment with him. I realized that it was important not to use any book as a blueprint for parenting, but to pick and choose what works best for you and your child. I learned that each child is so different and responds to things differently. So, having my child adapt to and being able to follow my regimented plan, WAS NOT going to work.    

After bringing Isaac home from the hospital, my husband and I realized that he was a high need/colicky baby. There was hardly anything that we could do to console him. We tried everything. He was having some gastrointestinal issues and I knew that he was in pain. The only way that he could communicate the pain, his need for attention, hunger, or need for sleep was by crying. I was responsible for providing for those needs and responding to them with love and gentleness. 

As Isaac got older, I was able to recognize what each of the cries meant and what HE needed. Therefore, I was able to respond quickly and make him a happier baby. I never solely went by a schedule that was dictated by times. 

When Isaac was about nine months old, my husband and I decided that we did need to let him cry it out, as he needed to learn to sleep through the night. At this point, I knew that he had enough food to sustain him through the night and was capable of sleeping this length of time. We did try everything before resorting to this method, but this method was the only thing that was effective. This was quite hard though. However, I realize that parenting also involves doing things that aren't fun, but are the best things for your child. 

After being a parent this last year, I realize that I absolutely don't have everything figured out. Yet, it has become so clear that each child is their own unique little body that God wove together. It is so important that we foster and nurture that uniqueness. It is important to stay educated with different philosophies and ideas, but use your own discretion on what will work well for your family. I do believe that reacting to your child's needs with compassion is essential. I often asked myself, "How would I want to be treated? How would I want my needs to be met if I wanted attention, was in pain, hungry, or needed sleep?" Above all, I have learned that with God, I can handle anything. 

Isaac and Baby Girl playing after a babywearing walk

Why I'm Not Babywise: Scheduling, Boobs, and Bottles

Feeding "on demand" during Baby Girl's 12 month photo shoot

If you are just now joining us for the Why I'm Not Babywise Series, Welcome! Please take some time to read the previous posts, especially my Intro/Disclaimer so you can read the rest of the posts in context. I am seeking to be very sensitive to my readers who may implement Babywise. I pray we can all show one another grace as we seek to parent all of our babies in the way God leads us. I invite considerate comments, whether you agree or disagree.

God is Creator. I believe that and I hope you do too. Someday soon I will share my story of how I came to know Jesus. But for now, let us operate under the assumption that if you follow my blog regularly you probably believe God is the Creator too, or are at least open to this idea. When I think of the human body and how God so intricately created it, it amazes me and I have to praise Him! Our heart beats, our lungs take in oxygen, etc. without us even thinking about it. We aren't plugged into an electrical outlet to keep going, God sustains our life. He is the author and creator of life. He also created our digestive systems, and mama's milk. (whole other post or series on breastfeeding coming one day soon) Let me just say, I believe it is God's design for women to breastfeed. Now obviously we live in a fallen world and sometimes things happen to interfere with this, but in most cases most women are able to breastfeed. And I believe it is the best option for baby and mama. (we can still be friends if you formula feed, just in case you were wondering) :)

Breastfeeding is different than formula feeding for many reasons. Formula doesn't have all the amazing immunities and antibodies that breastmilk has, it digests slower, and it is usually dairy based. It comes from a bottle instead of a boob. Those are the main ones that come to my mind right off the bat.

Scheduling feedings became popular when formula feeding became popular a few generations ago. Although I would still argue against strict scheduling for even formula fed babies, it is more feasible than scheduling a nursing baby. With formula feeding you can know exactly how much your baby is taking in at each feeding session so therefore you know exactly how many ounces they are getting each day. Not possible with a nursling. (unless you have one of those expensive Medela scales) Formula digests much slower than breastmilk so it keeps the baby full much longer. Formula has the same consistency and properties at the beginning of the feeding as it does at the end. Not the case with breastmilk. It changes throughout the feeding and throughout the day.

Let us remember that God is Creator and created each and every one of us and our bodies and digestive systems. Now let us talk about babies. Obviously some babies have smaller stomachs than others. Some have fast metabolisms, and some slower. This is true whether you are breastfeeding or formula feeding. So because of this some may be hungry every two hours, and some every four. And since we never really know how much a nursing baby is getting they might only take in a couple ounces at one session and then be hungry again in thirty minutes. Especially in the evenings, when breastmilk is lower in volume (although it is higher in fat), cluster feeding might occur where a baby is hungry more often than at other times of the day.  I don't know about you, but sometimes I want a snack, sometimes a drink, and sometimes a full meal. Shouldn't it be the same with babies?

Briefly, let us talk about mamas. Boobs. They come in all different shapes and sizes. Regardless of the size, women have different storage capacities in their boobs for milk. Since there is no way of knowing exactly how much milk we make at each feeding, wouldn't it be best to just feed our babies when they show signs of hunger? Since we don't know exactly how big our baby's stomach is, or how fast their metabolism, or exactly how many ounces they are taking in, or what the fat content of our milk is like at that exact feeding session, wouldn't it be best to just feed our babies when they show signs of hunger?

After all, don't we as adults eat when we are hungry, regardless of the clock?

One of my best friend's parenting story and what she thought of Babywise

Jess, Canon, and Rachel Rainer

If you are just now joining us for the Why I'm Not Babywise Series, Welcome! Please take some time to read the previous posts, especially my Intro/Disclaimer so you can read the rest of the posts in context. I am seeking to be very sensitive to my readers who may implement Babywise. I pray we can all show one another grace as we seek to parent all of our babies in the way God leads us. I invite considerate comments, whether you agree or disagree. 

As I have different moms share their stories about what did or did not work for them from Babywise please be considerate of their thoughts and feelings. This is my friend Rachel's story. She is one of my best friend's from college and we were also roommates for a year. She is one of the most sensitive and servant-hearted moms that I know. I admire her faith in the Lord so much. She is an amazing wife, mother, and woman of God. Without further ado, here is her story:

 My husband and I were so excited to become pregnant in January of 2009. At the time, I was surrounded by young moms due to being in a seminary community. As the pregnancy progressed I started asking my "mom" friends which books they recommended. Overwhelming almost every one recommended Baby Wise. I started reading the book, and making notes as I read along. By golly my baby was going to be sleeping through the night early on and I was going to have one happy baby. 

Fast forward to mid October. We welcomed our precious son, Canon and he was perfect. We came home from the hospital and I was ready to start implementing Baby Wise. I know that everyone interprets Baby Wise differently. My take on it was that it was very rigid. I tend to be a very rigid person. If someone tells me to do something I will follow their instructions to a T. When reading BW I personally felt that you had to "parent" this way or you weren't a good parent. I am also a very organized person that loves to be on a schedule, so Baby Wise seemed very appealing to me. I love knowing what my day is going to look like. So I went into my first days at home with I was only going to feed Canon every 3 hours and he would fall asleep on his own without needing the help of me or any other sleep aide. This was going to be easy. ha!

Now fast forward to us being home with Canon. We did the sleep, feed, awake time with Canon and that seemed to work well, but how we got Canon to fall asleep or how long he went in between feedings was not the Baby Wise way. We tried and tried to stretch his feedings out, but Canon wanted to eat more often the first few months of life. Canon also had a hard time settling for naps and bed time. On top of this Canon had horrible reflux and we were told to keep him upright for 30 minutes before laying him down for bed. It took a long time to get Canon down for bed. I remember crying and getting so frustrated at Canon because he was not doing what the book (Baby Wise) said. If we were to schedule him the Baby Wise way he was supposed to be a happy child that slept well and stuck to a schedule. What was wrong with my baby? I also remember breastfeeding or rocking Canon to sleep and feeling badly about it. I was going to do my child a disservice because he wasn't falling asleep on his own. I liked breastfeeding or rocking him to sleep.. It was one of my favorite times of the day. Because I wanted to do what was "right" we started really sticking to having Canon cry it out, except it ended in us both crying and being overly frustrated. This did not work for Canon even after trying for weeks. I felt like a bad parent. It seemed like every one else's child could just be laid down and they would fall fast asleep. Why wouldn't Canon do this? Some days I wanted to be able to lay him down and walk away. I wanted the easy route. So I read more books, blogs, went to various websites, but really all I wanted to do was rock Canon to sleep because that is what worked for Canon's needs and it felt right and natural. 

Fast forward to now. Canon is 19 months. We still rock Canon to sleep. Not every night, but every night that he needs to be rocked. Most nights he will go down on his own after cuddling and singing with mom or dad in the rocking chair for 5 to 10 minutes. Almost always he does down on his own for naps unless he needs to be rocked to sleep. We have not corrupted him. He sleep 12+ hours every night. Even if he didn't sleep 12 hours I don't believe it would be because we rocked him to sleep often. 

Not every child is the same or fits into a certain mold, nor is everyone's parenting style and that is totally fine. As long as you are following God's word on how to parent and following the instincts the Lord has given you, you are on the right track. Baby Wise was good for getting Canon on a schedule (but not until he was about 3 months old), but it did not work for us in the sleeping department. Yes, I think getting your child on a schedule and having them fall asleep on their own is important in due time, but for us we chose not to do it all at the beginning of Canon's life. Take your time and enjoy bonding with your baby.  

 

I personally LOVE the way we have gone about putting Canon to sleep. I wouldn't have it any other way. I have come to appreciate how Canon needs lots of down time before going to sleep. He needs lots of TLC and I am more than willing and happy to give that to him. Yes, it takes longer some nights and days, but I don't ever want to look back and wish I would have rocked and cuddled with him more. We have the most precious moments with him while rocking, whether he falls asleep or not on us. Canon has been rocked every night and day of his life, maybe not to sleep, but at least held and loved on before every nap or bed time.

I wish I wouldn't have agonized over if I was doing the right thing or not. I wish I would have been confident enough to go with my instincts and do what I was comfortable with instead of what other people told me was "right". This would have saved me a lot of time and I would have gotten a lot more sleep. 

We are thankful for the time we get to cuddle with Canon, we know the day will come when he doesn't want to be cuddled before bed time. We also have a different outlook on things and a different appreciation lately. In February of this year we welcomed our son William Thomas. Will only lived for an hour and we are beyond thankful we got to hold and rock Will for that short hour he was with us. I am so beyond thankful Will was in our arms when he went to go be in the arms of Jesus. This also makes us hold on to Canon a little tighter and really appreciate him.

I am just a mom that wants what is best for her individual children. I want to parent the way the Lord wants me to and what I feel comfortable with as their mom.

 

Canon John

 

Rachel blogs at Life of the Rainers about their family, motherhood, and what the Lord is teaching her.

My best friend's Babywise story and why it worked for her...

If you are just now joining us for the Why I'm Not Babywise Series, Welcome! Please take some time to read the previous posts, especially my Intro/Disclaimer so you can read the rest of the posts in context. I am seeking to be very sensitive to my readers who may implement Babywise. I pray we can all show one another grace as we seek to parent all of our babies in the way God leads us. I invite considerate comments, whether you agree or disagree. 

As I have different moms share their stories about what did or did not work for them from Babywise please be considerate of their thoughts and feelings. This is my best friend's story. I refer to her a lot in my posts as "my best friend that uses Babywise". I wanted her to share her story because I wanted to show that it is possible to disagree about parenting methods and styles and still be the best of friends. You may agree or disagree with what she says, just as I do, but please be kind in your comments. I disagree with several things she says in her story, but it is her story and her thoughts so I am not editing anything out. Annie Leigh and I have the most important thing in common, which is Christ. We disagree about Babywise and eschatology and are still best friends, for which God gets all the glory. :) I know that she loves her kids and I think she is a wonderful mom and woman of God. Without further ado, here is her story:

 I don't think the title of this blog should be "Why Annie is Babywise".  I think a more suitable title would be "Why Annie likes to have her babies on a schedule".  I believe in many of the "ideas" that are addressed in babywise, however I do not agree with everything nor do I practice everythng Gary Ezzo teaches.   Gary Ezzo, in my opinio,n wrote a very helpful book for those who like to have their children on a schedule. He; however, like all of us, is a sinner and does not do everything perfectly (ie his time spent at Grace Community Church). I mean just think of some of the things Peter did in the bible...ummm denied Jesus like three times:)  I am not babywise, I am a Christian. One who is trying to figure out how in the heck to do this thing called life in a way that glorifies my God.  I would not address myself as babywise in the same way I would not address myself as a calvanist.  Do I believe in what John Calvin taught? Yes. But I am called a Christian.  In the same way, I agree with most of the teachings in babywise, but I do not hold to this title nor any other title other than Christian.  I would like to address why being" this" is really not a big deal and for those of you who are interesed, why I like scheduling.

The reason why the "heated" debate on whether one should or should not schedule there child's day is not a big deal is because the Bible does not say it is a big deal.  If scripture does not clearly speak to the issue, which I would argue it does not,  then one would be wrong or legalistic to enforce such regulation.  I am sad to hear that my friend Chalise has experienced ridicule or that others have made her feel like less of a mother for not scheduling her child. Who cares!  You know what the bible does care about....the Gospel!  God coming to earth in the form of a man, Jesus, living a sinless life and dying on the cross for my sin, being buried and rising from  he dead three days later, conquering sin, and now He is in heaven at the Father's right hand interceding for those who are called according to His name. (and praise Him for interceding for me because this life can be hard!!).  This is what the bible speaks the most about and this is what I want to spend the majority of my time with others discussing. ...not how long my child sleeps.  Now, although God does not address if we should schedule our children's sleeping, some have said that God is loving and would not restrict His children...REALLY?  Have ya read the bible? :) Start in Genesis where God places a restriction on Adam and Eve.  God is loving and gives grace to me all the time, but he also has planned out before the beginning of time every single second of my life (now that's some intense scheduling for ya) including when I rise, who I marry, when I die, etc.  To argue that scheduling is wrong because God our loving Father wouldn't schedule just does not make sense.   God is loving and God is structured, these characteristics are not at odds with each other, they perfectly compliment each other.I am so thankful that God in His great love for me, knowing what is best for me planned out every detail of my life.  He gave me a certain personality, dreams, etc that have all been used for His specific plan.  God is organized so It would not be wrong for me as a mother to want to organize my children's day for God's glory. 

As I write this blog I am a little tickled thinking back to how Chalise and I were in college.  I was a free spirited, fly by the seat of my pants type of girl, while Chalise (Chaliqua) was Type A all the way if ya know what I mean.  She scheduled brushing her teeth! j/k. However Chalise not only kept up with her schedule, she also knew my schedule and helped me on many occassion make it to class and make it to class on time.  Chalise is still very organized and scheduled but does not like to schedule "baby" things.  

 Anyways, I really like the book Babywise, and it has been very helpful to me.  When my first child was born, I had very bad post partum depression and I found that knowing what James was going to do helped me cope with what seemed chaotic.  All of my 3 children have slept through the night at 9 weeks and I really give God the glory for this.  I think that sleep is something that God thinks is important and I want my children to be able to sleep well.  I realize that every child is different and has different need,s but one need that they all have is the need for sleep.  Some have stated that Gary Ezzo suggests witholding feedings from babies.  This is not true. He states several times in his book, for parents to observe hunger signs and to  feed that sweet baby when he is hungry.  Some have also stated that Gary Ezzo is mean and cruel for letting babies cry it out.  I did not find this idea of crying it out to be that bad, and I really don't see what the big deal is.  He said to make sure the baby is not hungry, sick, wet, dirty, etc.  I do not see a huge problem with this as long as you are checking in on your child.  I did not have to do this with mine. I mean, if you have more than 5 kids someone is going to be crying all the time:) What do you do if you have triplets? Are these mothers going to mentally hurt there children because they cannot hold three at one time?  I just really do not see the big debate.  You cannot say that Babywise is sinful or dishonoring God.  I would not say that attacment parenting is sinful because the bible does not address this issue.   Now I would say that refusing to spank your child is sinful because I believe the bible clearly speaks to this issue ( I know, I just opened a entire can of worms). 

One more thing, I like that babywise teaches parents to think, and if that parents thinks they want to rock their baby to sleep then do it....I love rocking my babies and singing them to sleep.  Can you really say that you are never going to schedule your child?  So when your child is 8 years old, will he/she not have a bed time?  I love sleep and I am so thankful God uses it to restore our bodies.  I love sleep and I love to help my children sleep by scheduling their days.  I know in college when I did not keep a calendar of things to do, there was an unrest in my heart and mind.   When my discipleship leader introduced me to the gift of planning my day, things began to change.  I started making it to class, making better grades, etc.  There was a peace that came with knowing what was to come.  I feel there is a peace in our household when we follow a schedule for feeding, playing and sleeping.  

Babywise is Not the Bible. Parenting by the Law or by the Spirit?

pentateuch.jpg

If you are just now joining us for the Why I'm Not Babywise Series, Welcome! Please take some time to read the previous posts, especially my Intro/Disclaimer so you can read the rest of the posts in context. I am seeking to be very sensitive to my readers who may implement Babywise. I pray we can all show one another grace as we seek to parent all of our babies in the way God leads us. I invite considerate comments, whether you agree or disagree. 

"This people honors me with their lips, but their heart is far from me; in vain do they worship me, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men." Matthew 15:8-9

"But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law... If we live by the Spirit let us also walk by the Spirit". Galations 5:18, 25 

  Romans 8:1-17 is a beautiful passage on living by the Spirit and being led by the Spirit. 

As I think back through my thoughts and feelings towards Babywise and Growing Kids God's Way, or really any Christian baby training book, I think what really bothers me is that they seem to be teaching as doctrines the commandments of men. Obviously there are many different opinions about parenting out there, especially parenting a baby, and the bible doesn't speak to every little issue, but sometimes you begin to think that it does as you read through some of these books. Some of them even twist Scripture to support their theories and methods.  Just in case you were wondering, the bible doesn't tell you that you have to make your baby cry-it-out or that you are an awful parent if you hold your baby all day. The bible doesn't tell you not to rock or nurse your baby to sleep. The bible doesn't tell you to feed your baby every 3-4 hours and to make them stay awake for an hour and a half to get them on a good schedule. Just in case you were wondering.... :)

I believe that since the bible doesn't speak to many of these parenting issues that there is much freedom to find what works best for each individual family and baby.  For one family, co-sleeing might be the best thing for their family and the best for their bonding.  For another family, they might all sleep better in different rooms and so this might be best for the bonding and relationship. No author can tell you exactly what your family needs, and that is what it seems Ezzo is doing, at least in my humble opinion.  As I read Babywise and other GKI material, I felt like he was turning his methods into doctrines. Babywise almost reads like a set of rules that must be obeyed and followed, with no room for flexibility or the freedom to do things differently.

Babywise (and other baby training books) remind me of the Law (first 5 books of the OT).

(let me just say I love the WHOLE COUNSEL of Scripture and I read the Old Testament and I study the Old Testament and I love the Old Testament. I do not fully understand how the law and grace work together but Romans and Galations are a good place to start reading about this. I do know that we are no longer under the law, but we are under grace. Christ came and perfectly obeyed the law because we couldn't. We are now led by the Holy Spirit that lives inside of us)

So, like I said, Babywise reminds me of the Law. You feel like you have to obey all of it or you have failed as a mother, just as we should rightly feel that we have failed if we do not obey the Law (we can't fully obey the Law and that is why Christ came). Christ came to set us free from the Law, and also our guilt and shame and fear of disobeying the law. He came to show us a different way: a way of grace and being led by the Spirit.

Babywise says this is the way to do it. If you don't do it this way your kids will turn out like this= see baby Marissa. If you do follow Babywise your kids will turn out like this =angel child Chelsea. With this  type of thinking it can lead to much pride or much guilt and sense of failure. If you faithfully follow Babywise and your kids turn out great you may be tempted to think that it is because of your parenting. If you desire to follow Babywise but fail at implementing all of Ezzo's methods, and your kids are brats you might be tempted to feel like it is your fault and feel guilty. While it is obvious that our parenting does effect our kids, it cannot control our kids or guarantee outcomes. This is true no matter what parenting style you follow.

Ezzo turns his methods into doctrines and commandments, and wonderful mothers feel guilty if they don't follow them. They might feel pressure from Ezzo, other moms, or put pressure on themselves. You do not have to answer to Gary Ezzo or anyone else. You do have to answer to God. You don't need Babywise, you need the Holy Spirit. I could just as easily feel like that if I do not practice all of the Baby B's of attachment parenting that I have failed as a mother and that my child will suffer because of it. Although I think all of the Baby B's are amazing tools to have in my parenting tool kit, I ultimately must make my parenting decisions based on the Lord's leading and the Holy Spirit.

Let the Holy Spirit lead you, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Gary Ezzo does not know your individual child. Neither does Dr. Sears for that matter (I do love him though, and love that he gives suggestions, not rules). But God not only knows your child, but created your child and knows your child better than you even do. Doesn't it make more sense to rely on the God who created your child for the answers than to look to a book written by a man that doesn't even know your child exists?

I know it is much easier to follow rules and methods than to be led by the Spirit. I am a rule follower. I love to follow rules. I love black and white and have a hard time finding the gray. I struggle with giving myself freedom in my walk with God. I struggle with elevating my convictions to the level of the Bible. I definitely understand why Babywise and other baby training books are attractive. It seems easier to follow rules and methods that claim to have proven immediate results. But is this the best way to parent? Wouldn't we all rather be led by the Spirit and depend on God for the answers? This may mean what you are led to do for your baby one day may be different the next, one season of parenting may look different than the next, and so on and so forth.

Although attachment parenting isn't about rules and methods, but rather about an ideology and suggestions for bonding, I still struggled to be as AP as I possibly could be in the beginning. I felt like I had to do all of the Baby B's all of the time. I felt like I had to babywear x hours a day or I wasn't a good mom. I felt like I had to breastfeed x times a day or that I wasn't AP enough. I felt like I was failing as an attachment parenting mom when we moved baby girl out of our room at 6 months old. Finally I realized that what was best for me was to be led by the Spirit day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.  I believe this is best for everyone, no matter what parenting style you lean towards or ascribe to.

So, my challenge for the Babywise moms, the AP moms, and everyone in between is to follow the Spirit's leading as you parent every day. Be led by the Spirit, not by the law. Parent by the Spirit, not by the methods and doctrines of men.

A blogger I follow has written an ebook of sorts on her blog called "As He Leads Us" dealing with this very issue of being led by God in our parenting. You can read it here.

From Mainstream Mama to "Crazy" Mama. One Mom's story. (Babywise Series)

If you are just now joining us for the Why I'm Not Babywise Series, Welcome! Please take some time to read the previous posts, especially my Intro/Disclaimer so you can read the rest of the posts in context. I am seeking to be very sensitive to my readers who may implement Babywise. I pray we can all show one another grace as we seek to parent all of our babies in the way God leads us. I invite considerate comments, whether you agree or disagree. 

As I have different moms share their stories about what did or did not work for them from Babywise please be considerate of their thoughts and feelings. This is one mom's story about going from a "mainstream mom to a "crazy" attachment parenting mom". You can read more from her at her blog, The Dawley's. So without further ado, this is Carrie Dawley's story:

 

 

While I was pregnant, I had several friends and coworkers recommend "Babywise" to me.  I was told that it was a great book that has allowed them to raise "good" children that slept through the night as early as 8 weeks old.  This sounded too good to be true.  How did more people not know about this amazing book?!  I couldn't get to Borders fast enough to check it out.  

 

As I started reading it, I knew that I wanted to be the family that had the easy baby.  I did not want to be that crazy, sleep-deprived attachment parenting family!  The Ezzo's did a fine job of showing two different extremes to instill fear into parents.  I mean, who doesn't want the easy baby?  As I continued to read; however, I felt a little uneasy.  A lot of things in the book just didn't sit right with me, and I stopped reading the book after a few chapters.  I didn't know how I was going to parent (I don't think any of us really do until we're thrown into it), but I knew I couldn't follow Babywise.

 

In the early days of motherhood, I had many people giving me advice.  I was told that my daughter was being spoiled by me holding her all of the time even as a newborn.  I was told that she needed alone time in her crib throughout the day so she could learn to be independent.  This advice from women I love and respect, felt so very wrong to me.  I followed my heart and ignored this well-meaning advice just as I ignored Babywise.  

 

As time went on, I continued to ignore parenting advice I received.  I went from the mainstream parent I thought I would be, to that "crazy" attachment parenting mother.  The biggest aspects of attachment parenting that I followed that I never imagined I would do are babywearing and co-sleeping.

 

Babywearing

I held my daughter constantly in those early days, even as she slept.  I hated putting her down.  We had a fancy swing and I always felt so guilty putting her down so I could go do things around the house.  To solve this problem, I bought a Moby Wrap and started wearing her while I did housework and ran errands.  I continued to wear her when I started back to work when she was 3 months old.  As soon as I would come home from work, I would hold her (even while she slept) or wear her.  It really helped us to reconnect after being apart.  And now even though I quit my job, am a stay-at-home mom, and my daughter is almost 13 months old, I still wear her when she needs to be close, when we go on walks, and when we run errands.  She prefers our Ergo carrier to the cart or stroller, and she actually gets excited when I pull out the Ergo.  It feels great to know that she loves babywearing just as much as I do!

 

Co-Sleeping

Before I became a mom, I didn't see the point of babies sleeping in bassinets in the parents room for their first few weeks.  My daughter's room is right across the hall, and that seemed close enough to me.  I had no plans of having her sleep in our room. 

When we brought her home from the hospital, however, we had her sleep in a co-sleeper next to our bed. It felt wrong not having her right by me.  As time went on, she continued to sleep in our room and eventually it turned into our bed. I used to get up and feed her in the rocking chair in her room, but I quickly started feeding her while laying in bed.  Getting up felt weird to me, but keeping her close in bed while feeding her didn't.  Again, I followed my heart and instincts.  These days, my daughter naps in her crib and goes to sleep in her crib at night.  If she wakes up at night, we always bring her to bed with us.  It's just what feels right to us.  It is such an awesome feeling to wake up with my two favorite people in the world.  I love waking up in the morning to my daughter's big smile and loving pats.  I cherish these moments because they are only temporary.  Before I know it, she will sleep through the night consistently and not need us at all.

 

I have received a lot of criticism about my parenting.  I have been told that I need to let my daughter cry-it-out, that we will never get her out of our bed, that she won't be independent and will never want to be put down, that we'll hinder her mobility, that we'll ruin our marriage, etc., etc., etc.  It is hard to hear the advice and criticism, but it is getting easier because I know that people couldn't be more wrong.  My daughter has an amazing bond with my husband and I. I know what she wants, thinks, or needs without her saying a word.  We are so connected.  And at the same time, she is very independent.  She loves doing things on her own, but she always returns from exploring to hug me or pat me.  While she is feisty and spirited, she is also very loving and compassionate.  She is full of hugs and pats for her mommy and daddy, doggie, and the little baby that I babysit.  I am so proud of the sweet little person she is becoming.  And my marriage is just as strong as ever!

 

As I continue this parenting journey, I know that it is so important for me to ignore the advice and books and just follow my heart and God-given instincts.  When I do that, I can't go wrong.

 

While I haven't followed the parenting advice I've been given, I do have advice for other parents.:) My advice is to follow your heart.  This will most likely will result in a parenting style that is different from mine, but it will definitely result in a style that is perfect for your family.  No book, especially Babywise, knows your unique child and family.  No other parent does either. Different things work for different families, and only you know what works for yours.

Are babies born to BE SERVANTS or to BE SERVED? (Babywise series)

 

If you are just now joining us for the Why I'm Not Babywise Series, Welcome! Please take some time to read the previous posts, especially my Intro/Disclaimer so you can read the rest of the posts in context. I am seeking to be very sensitive to my readers who may implement Babywise. I pray we can all show one another grace as we seek to parent all of our babies in the way God leads us. I invite considerate comments, whether you agree or disagree.

"And whoever wants to be first must be slave of all.  For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10:44-45

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,  not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus."Philippians 2:3-5

"Then people brought little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked them. Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” When he had placed his hands on them, he went on from there." Matthew 19:13-15

One of the main problems I have with Babywise (BW) or other Baby Training (BT) books is that there is an overall attitude that having a baby shouldn't really change life much. Well, let me tell you, a baby changes EVERYTHING! From cry-it-out (CIO) to rigid schedules to hands-off parenting, BT books teach you how to get your baby to cater to you.

" If you want to know what your day is going to be like each day so you can schedule outings with your friends or date nights with your husband then get that baby on a schedule. Don't let your baby rule the roost. Take charge!"

As I read BW the overall feel I got when I read it was that using BW will make your baby convenient. I got the impression that BW teaches a parent-centered style of baby rearing, instead of family centered or a baby sensitive style. Isn't it wrong to be self-centered? Especially in our parenting?

What does Jesus teach us? Jesus came to serve, not to be served. He is our ultimate example. In Philippians, Paul, inspired by God, tells us to value others above ourselves. Does this not include babies? He tells us to consider the interests of others. Does this not include babies and children? He tells us that in our relationship with ONE ANOTHER (babies are one another) to have the same mindset as Christ Jesus! Does this not include babies?

There is nothing convenient about living for Jesus and striving to become like Jesus. I am so far from what I should be. I am not the servant that I want to be or the servant that God calls me to be, but I am praying and striving to be more like Jesus in this area. Living for Jesus means dying to self daily and living for Him and for others. We are to be servants to others, and not expect others to serve us. We are to consider others BETTER than ourselves, even small babies.

Jesus took the time to love on children. When the disciples claimed Jesus was too busy and rebuked him for letting the children come to him, Jesus made a point to let the children sit on his lap and pray for them. There is no one busier that Jesus. The busiest mom on the planet isn't busier than Jesus. Did he view children as an inconvenience or a blessing?

I realize that no matter what sort of parenting style a mom follows (by choice or by default) that there is an element of sacrifice. Every good mother sacrifices for her children and serves her children. But what is the attitude of your heart? (again, asking myself this too)

When your baby needs to be nursed 30 minutes after they just ate do you view it as an opportunity to serve them and meet their needs, or as an inconvenience that is messing up your schedule? When your baby has a hard time settling down to sleep do you strive to serve them and meet their needs or do you view it as an inconvenience and force them to cry themselves to sleep? When your baby just needs some extra loving do you joyfully hold them or wear them or do you view it as an inconvenience that is keeping your from other things you need to get done? (I am asking these questions to myself too) No matter what parenting style we follow we all struggle with serving our babies and meeting their needs 24/7. But since when were babies supposed to serve our needs and be convenient? 

As I read BW and starting fantasizing about having that "perfect" baby that he described I was reminded of Jesus and how he came to serve and not to be served, and that he gave his life as a ransom for many. If I want my babies and children to see Jesus in me, I need to strive to be like Jesus in how I parent them. I don't need to try to get them to sleep through the night prematurely just so I can have a more convenient night of sleep. I don't need to force them onto a four hour feeding schedule that they are not physically ready for just because some author told me to. I don't need to stop nursing or rocking them to sleep for fear of spoiling them. All I need to do is be like Jesus to them and seek to meet their needs and serve them. That's it. 

Sacrifice, not convenience.

Wisdom from a Veteran Mom of 4 (Babywise Series)

If you are just now joining us for the Why I'm Not Babywise Series, Welcome! Please take some time to read the previous posts, especially my Intro/Disclaimer so you can read the rest of the posts in context. I am seeking to be very sensitive to my readers who may implement Babywise. I pray we can all show one another grace as we seek to parent all of our babies in the way God leads us. I invite considerate comments, whether you agree or disagree.
Here is a lovely comment from my cousin posted on one of my Babywise series blogs. So much wisdom to be gleaned from this woman!

"Oh, Chalise, it's so much fun reading about your experiences and ideas with how you parent Brooklyn. She's one lucky baby.

I read Babywise when my second was an infant and was very attracted to the peaceful, rested, happy infants he described. I tried some of his ideas with my son but found that just stopping middle of the night nursing AFTER he went a full night on his own without doing so was sufficient to produce a good sleeper. My subsequent children proved that this technique doesn't necessarily work.

Personally, I agree with a lot of what you've pointed out. The whole "you'll have a perfect child if you follow my method" message is a huge turn-off. However, I can't say that I'm a big fan of Dr. Sears either. In general, I don't much like parenting books. My best teachers have been my four children. I find that as time goes on and I gain more experience parenting philosophies become increasingly less important.

The basic family pattern we seem to be doing is: "observe, reflect, consult, act." I find more and more that parenting labels get in the way of focusing on the real needs of our children and our family because they make me less adaptable. Whenever I start trying to do it "right" I'm almost sure to completely miss the mark and most definitely be doing it "wrong."

I think what's helped me the most in my attempt to continue learning how to better parent the four miraculous beings God has chosen to entrust to my care has been:
1) Being as diligent as possible in my daily devotions
2) Practicing lots of patience
3) Learning humility- the more I learn the less I know. My kids are really, really good at reminding me of this one.

The other aspect you address of Babywise that I'd like to discuss a bit is the concept that putting children first is negative. The book makes it sound like there's some kind of a competition between your marriage and your children and that you'll all be better off if you put the adults first. Now, I get that parents can become so wrapped up in their children that their relationship suffers (there's times when one of the adjustments we need to make is more couple time for sure.) However, I also think that it's rather tragic how our society separates communities into "kid-worlds" and "adult-worlds." It seems like we constantly have to choose between living our "own" lives and caring for our children.

For us, that doesn't seem to work. Our family lives life together and while that has it's challenges I'm happier than I've ever been. Sure, our lives primarily revolve around their needs, but you know, this is our only chance to be parents and develop a close relationship with our children. Are we spoiling them? Maybe. Are we too strict? Maybe. But whatever it is, the relationship we're developing as a family is very REAL and I don't think anyone could wrap it into a "how-to" textbook."