Are babies born to BE SERVANTS or to BE SERVED? (Babywise series)

 

If you are just now joining us for the Why I'm Not Babywise Series, Welcome! Please take some time to read the previous posts, especially my Intro/Disclaimer so you can read the rest of the posts in context. I am seeking to be very sensitive to my readers who may implement Babywise. I pray we can all show one another grace as we seek to parent all of our babies in the way God leads us. I invite considerate comments, whether you agree or disagree.

"And whoever wants to be first must be slave of all.  For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10:44-45

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,  not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus."Philippians 2:3-5

"Then people brought little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked them. Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” When he had placed his hands on them, he went on from there." Matthew 19:13-15

One of the main problems I have with Babywise (BW) or other Baby Training (BT) books is that there is an overall attitude that having a baby shouldn't really change life much. Well, let me tell you, a baby changes EVERYTHING! From cry-it-out (CIO) to rigid schedules to hands-off parenting, BT books teach you how to get your baby to cater to you.

" If you want to know what your day is going to be like each day so you can schedule outings with your friends or date nights with your husband then get that baby on a schedule. Don't let your baby rule the roost. Take charge!"

As I read BW the overall feel I got when I read it was that using BW will make your baby convenient. I got the impression that BW teaches a parent-centered style of baby rearing, instead of family centered or a baby sensitive style. Isn't it wrong to be self-centered? Especially in our parenting?

What does Jesus teach us? Jesus came to serve, not to be served. He is our ultimate example. In Philippians, Paul, inspired by God, tells us to value others above ourselves. Does this not include babies? He tells us to consider the interests of others. Does this not include babies and children? He tells us that in our relationship with ONE ANOTHER (babies are one another) to have the same mindset as Christ Jesus! Does this not include babies?

There is nothing convenient about living for Jesus and striving to become like Jesus. I am so far from what I should be. I am not the servant that I want to be or the servant that God calls me to be, but I am praying and striving to be more like Jesus in this area. Living for Jesus means dying to self daily and living for Him and for others. We are to be servants to others, and not expect others to serve us. We are to consider others BETTER than ourselves, even small babies.

Jesus took the time to love on children. When the disciples claimed Jesus was too busy and rebuked him for letting the children come to him, Jesus made a point to let the children sit on his lap and pray for them. There is no one busier that Jesus. The busiest mom on the planet isn't busier than Jesus. Did he view children as an inconvenience or a blessing?

I realize that no matter what sort of parenting style a mom follows (by choice or by default) that there is an element of sacrifice. Every good mother sacrifices for her children and serves her children. But what is the attitude of your heart? (again, asking myself this too)

When your baby needs to be nursed 30 minutes after they just ate do you view it as an opportunity to serve them and meet their needs, or as an inconvenience that is messing up your schedule? When your baby has a hard time settling down to sleep do you strive to serve them and meet their needs or do you view it as an inconvenience and force them to cry themselves to sleep? When your baby just needs some extra loving do you joyfully hold them or wear them or do you view it as an inconvenience that is keeping your from other things you need to get done? (I am asking these questions to myself too) No matter what parenting style we follow we all struggle with serving our babies and meeting their needs 24/7. But since when were babies supposed to serve our needs and be convenient? 

As I read BW and starting fantasizing about having that "perfect" baby that he described I was reminded of Jesus and how he came to serve and not to be served, and that he gave his life as a ransom for many. If I want my babies and children to see Jesus in me, I need to strive to be like Jesus in how I parent them. I don't need to try to get them to sleep through the night prematurely just so I can have a more convenient night of sleep. I don't need to force them onto a four hour feeding schedule that they are not physically ready for just because some author told me to. I don't need to stop nursing or rocking them to sleep for fear of spoiling them. All I need to do is be like Jesus to them and seek to meet their needs and serve them. That's it. 

Sacrifice, not convenience.

Wisdom from a Veteran Mom of 4 (Babywise Series)

If you are just now joining us for the Why I'm Not Babywise Series, Welcome! Please take some time to read the previous posts, especially my Intro/Disclaimer so you can read the rest of the posts in context. I am seeking to be very sensitive to my readers who may implement Babywise. I pray we can all show one another grace as we seek to parent all of our babies in the way God leads us. I invite considerate comments, whether you agree or disagree.
Here is a lovely comment from my cousin posted on one of my Babywise series blogs. So much wisdom to be gleaned from this woman!

"Oh, Chalise, it's so much fun reading about your experiences and ideas with how you parent Brooklyn. She's one lucky baby.

I read Babywise when my second was an infant and was very attracted to the peaceful, rested, happy infants he described. I tried some of his ideas with my son but found that just stopping middle of the night nursing AFTER he went a full night on his own without doing so was sufficient to produce a good sleeper. My subsequent children proved that this technique doesn't necessarily work.

Personally, I agree with a lot of what you've pointed out. The whole "you'll have a perfect child if you follow my method" message is a huge turn-off. However, I can't say that I'm a big fan of Dr. Sears either. In general, I don't much like parenting books. My best teachers have been my four children. I find that as time goes on and I gain more experience parenting philosophies become increasingly less important.

The basic family pattern we seem to be doing is: "observe, reflect, consult, act." I find more and more that parenting labels get in the way of focusing on the real needs of our children and our family because they make me less adaptable. Whenever I start trying to do it "right" I'm almost sure to completely miss the mark and most definitely be doing it "wrong."

I think what's helped me the most in my attempt to continue learning how to better parent the four miraculous beings God has chosen to entrust to my care has been:
1) Being as diligent as possible in my daily devotions
2) Practicing lots of patience
3) Learning humility- the more I learn the less I know. My kids are really, really good at reminding me of this one.

The other aspect you address of Babywise that I'd like to discuss a bit is the concept that putting children first is negative. The book makes it sound like there's some kind of a competition between your marriage and your children and that you'll all be better off if you put the adults first. Now, I get that parents can become so wrapped up in their children that their relationship suffers (there's times when one of the adjustments we need to make is more couple time for sure.) However, I also think that it's rather tragic how our society separates communities into "kid-worlds" and "adult-worlds." It seems like we constantly have to choose between living our "own" lives and caring for our children.

For us, that doesn't seem to work. Our family lives life together and while that has it's challenges I'm happier than I've ever been. Sure, our lives primarily revolve around their needs, but you know, this is our only chance to be parents and develop a close relationship with our children. Are we spoiling them? Maybe. Are we too strict? Maybe. But whatever it is, the relationship we're developing as a family is very REAL and I don't think anyone could wrap it into a "how-to" textbook."

Why I'm Not Babywise...I'm "that mom" in Chapter One, except I'm Not, PART TWO

If you are just now joining us for the Why I'm Not Babywise Series, Welcome! Please take some time to read the previous posts, especially my Intro/Disclaimer so you can read the rest of the posts in context. I am seeking to be very sensitive to my readers who may implement Babywise. I pray we can all show one another grace as we seek to parent all of our babies in the way God leads us. I invite considerate comments, whether you agree or disagree. 

To read Part One,  click here. 

Achieving a Balance

There is some good advice in this section, although I am sure Ezzo and I would disagree on the practical application of it.

1." Life doesn't stop once you have a baby."

This is his first point and it is entirely true. Of course life continues, but life as you know it will never be the same. Instead of just thinking about what you want to do or about what is best for you and your husband you now have to consider this precious new baby and what is best for him. He says that life may slow down for a few weeks but it doesn't stop entirely. I would add that depending on your healing, how much help you receive, the temperament of your baby, your own personality, and how many other children you have, that life may slow down for much longer than a few weeks. Family members and friends should understand this and be supportive and offer their help.

2. "Date your spouse."

I completely agree with this statement; however Ezzo states that you should get back into a weekly date night as soon as possible. I assume that by "as soon as possible" he means within the first month. My husband and I were fortunate enough to have lots of help from grandparents that were very sensitive and loving in how they cared for our baby girl. In the height of her colicky days we NEEDED an hour away. Most of the time we tried to leave when we knew she would be sleeping for a good length of time. But to be quite honest, I didn't want to leave her and neither did my husband. We liked having her with us and missed her when we were apart from her. Most of the time we could go on dates while one of us wore her and by doing so we satisfied our need for some fun time together, and also our desire to have our baby with us. During her early months we went on nightly walks while one of us wore her, and we enjoyed great conversation as we walked along. Don't rush into a weekly date night until you are ready. My husband and I are able to spend a lot of time together at home after our baby goes to bed, and occasionally we may go out with friends and have a grandparent watch the baby.  Certainly, a weekly date nights is a great thing if you can find a babysitter you are comfortable with, but only when you are ready.  

3. "Continue the loving gestures you enjoyed before the baby came along." 

I agree with this, but I also think that adults need to realize that things may be a little different for awhile and as adults we just need to deal with it and be understanding of one another. Of course, I am not a hopeless romantic like a lot of women, so maybe I am not the best one to speak to this. 

4. "Invite some friends over for food and fellowship."

Under this point Ezzo states

"Times of hospitality force you to plan your child's day around serving others as you work together to prepare your home for guests." 

I must ask, what about serving the child? He has yet to talk about serving the baby and making sacrifices for the baby. Of course, it is a good thing to have people over when you feel up to it. For us, that has just been in the past few months. She is finally to the point where bed time is pretty easy and we can plan pretty well around her schedule to have people over in the evenings. Hopefully all of my friends know that I love them, but that my baby comes first. There were times when I had a playdate planned but my baby slept a little later than I thought she would so I would have to reschedule our playdate with friends. My friends were always very understanding, and this only happened occasionally. I never felt inconvenienced putting my baby's needs before mine, and I still found ways to continue to see family and friends. 

5. "At the end of each day, spend fifteen minutes sitting with your spouse discussing the day's events."

Yea right!  If you have a colicky or even a normally fussy newborn this can not happen, especially in the evening. Ezzo must have been blessed with VERY easy newborns, or else he just ignored their crying.  We did discuss the day's events, but it was usually as we were going on walks together while one of us wore the baby. Even now, as she is well past her colicky phase, we don't have this "couch time". When he comes home we all sit together on the floor and spend time as a family. My husband and I will talk about our days as our baby girl entertains herself right next to us. We also do show one another a healthy amount of physical affection in front of her, but we do not have "couch time" in front of her. I think she will be just fine and she will know that her daddy and I love each other and love her from other actions that she observes. When she goes to bed at night we have plenty of couch time and all other sorts of time too. 

In summary, Ezzo wants you to think that if you implement Babywise it will help you to have a thriving marriage, and if you don't it will harm your marriage. Throughout the rest of the book he compares Chelsea and Marisa's families to draw this faulty conclusion. From experience I can tell you that it is possible to have a thriving marriage and to practice a more attached style of parenting as well. They are not mutually exclusive. My husband and I found great joy in meeting the needs of our newborn and responding to her cries. We supported one another and looked to one another for strength. It actually brought us closer to one another and closer to the Lord because we knew we could not do it alone. 

(I know I spent a lot of time on Chapter One, but I am personally offended by Ezzo's belief and teaching that an attachment parenting family is going to produce a bratty baby and a failing marriage. )

Why I'm Not Babywise...I'm "that mom" in Chapter One...except I'm not, PART ONE

If you are just now joining us for the Why I'm Not Babywise Series, Welcome! Please take some time to read the previous posts, especially my Intro/Disclaimer so you can read the rest of the posts in context. I am seeking to be very sensitive to my readers who may implement Babywise. I pray we can all show one another grace as we seek to parent all of our babies in the way God leads us. I invite considerate comments, whether you agree or disagree. 


When I say that I'm "that mom" in Chapter One, except I'm not...what I mean is that Gary Ezzo sets up two hypothetical scenarios in chapter one. In one scenario we are introduced to baby Chelsea and her parents. They have decided to implement Babywise and because of that they have a happy thriving marriage and a practically perfect, content, happy, sleep-through-the-night-at-eight-weeks baby. In the other scenario we are introduced to Marisa and her parents, who have not implemented Babywise, but have instead adopted Gary Ezzo's skewed version of "attachment parenting". Marisa is fussy, unhappy, high-maintenance, and the list goes on, and her parents' marriage is falling apart. Throughout the book Gary Ezzo portrays attachment parenting as brainless, lacking common sense, almost animalistic, and extremely child-centered. Through his examples of Chelsea and Marisa he leads readers to believe that they can create by their efforts a "good baby" or a "bad baby". He makes it look like there are only two parenting philosophies: Babywise, and his extremely exaggerated and skewed version of "attachment parenting", when in reality most parents adopt a style somewhere in between Babywise and AP that works for them and their family.

So Gary Ezzo would want you to believe that since I consider myself more AP than anything else, that I am "that mom" in Chapter One and Marisa is my baby. Except I am not that mom in chapter one and Marisa is not my baby. In fact, I have yet to come across an attachment parenting family that looks anything like the family he describes in chapter one. Unfortunately many people that have no previous knowledge of attachment parenting will probably believe Gary Ezzo's version and assume that anyone that considers themselves an attachment parent or a non-Babywise parent looks exactly like his exaggerated and skewed fictional AP family. Let me just tell you, this is false! Get to know an AP mom and you will see that she is far from Marisa's mom. You will probably have more in common than you would even think.

(To read more about what attachment parenting actually is check out this website by Dr.Sears. He is the pediatrician that coined the phrase "attachment parenting" although parents have been practicing this style of parenting for hundreds of years. Also check out some common myths about what attachment parenting IS NOT. It is obvious Gary Ezzo does not have his facts straight when it comes to attachment parenting.) 

Now on to Chapter One "Your Baby Needs a Family. " There is A LOT in this chapter I agree with. I come from a broken family (although I do not doubt my mother and father love me immensely) and I do know there is a lot of anxiety that a child feels when a marriage is not strong. I believe the Bible teaches, and even non-Bible believers understand, that a healthy marriage is vital to the health of the entire family.   In the Bible, we are shown a beautiful picture of marriage in Ephesians 5:22-33, where the husband is told to seek to love the wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. This is a sacrificial agape love that is beautiful and uplifting to the wife. In response to this love, a woman is told to submit to and respect her husband as the Church submits to Christ. (there is also an element of mutual submission but I won't get into picking apart this passage) I love the wisdom of the bible because psychologists secular and Christian agree that a woman's biggest need is love and a man's biggest need is respect. Okay, so back to my original point. I agree that a healthy and Christ-centered marriage is of first importance.

On page 22 Ezzo states:

 "Of all Chelsea's [the Babywise baby] emotional needs, her most basic is knowing mom and dad love each other. Every day, Chelsea observes her mom and dad relating to one another...To Chelsea, their commitment to one another is clear. It is not unanswered in her tiny heart." 

Now let us remember this is a book about newborns and infants. A newborn can barely see eight inches away, so I am not sure how they are going to observe much of anything. Although as a baby gets much older they will definitely be able to observe their parents marriage and it will definitely affect their sense of emotional security, I don't think a newborn is going to be doing much of this so-called "observing". A newborns most basic emotional needs are security and trust, knowing that her needs are going to be met.

Child-Centered Parenting

He then goes on to explain child-centered parenting, which he believes is what attachment parenting is. First of all, let us remember that newborn babies are helpless and have intense needs. When considering if one would like to have a baby, I hope every mother and father goes into it knowing that parenting is hard work and takes huge amounts of sacrifice and selflessness, especially in the first few months. It is a major adjustment and life does change. Life will never be the same, no matter how "good" your baby is. Meeting your newborn baby's needs is not the same as centering the universe around them. There is no difference between wants and needs in the life of a newborn and they have no way to understand, in this stage of their development, "delayed gratification" and putting others first. You cannot spoil a baby by meeting their needs for food, love, and affection. For a time, baby does come first, at least in practicality. This does not mean that mom and dad neglect the other's needs or the needs of the other children, but for a short while in the early months a baby's needs are the priority. Mom and dad can understand that this is just for a short time and can seek to grow in patience and in having a servant's heart. Older children can also seek to learn these very important godly attributes as they help tend to the needs of the baby.  There will be give and take amongst all family members as they seek to best take care of this needy and precious little newborn.  Remember, this is only a very short stage in the life of a child. Meeting their needs in a loving way will not create a spoiled and demanding child, but rather a secure and well adjusted one.

Friendship and Conformity

Before I begin, let me remind you that Gary Ezzo is estranged from his adult daughters and unfortunately does not have a friendship with them. He promises in this book and his others that if you follow his methods that your relationship will blossom into a beautiful friendship by the time your children are teenagers. He tells you to observe the "end results". It is sad that his end results have not proven his proposed method.

I recently read a very fair and balanced critique of Childwise, and apparently he deals more with the role of friendship and authority in that book. Let us remember Babywise is about parenting babies, who cannot even talk yet. Ezzo tells us on page 25:

"Back at Marisa's home, her mom and dad continue to strive for buddy status. They yearn for friendship, elevating Marisa to the level of peer."

I hope as my baby girl gets older than we can have a healthy relationship where she respects my authority but also feels comfortable sharing her heart with me.  However, at this point in her development I probably wouldn't consider her a "friend" as Ezzo describes it, because we aren't even able to have conversations yet. Oh yes, we are buddies and she would probably consider me her favorite playmate, but I am unsure why Ezzo addresses friendship in a book about parenting a baby and infant.  He says on page 26 about Chelsea and her parents:

"By the end of Chelsea's teen years, a beautiful friendship with her parents will begin to blossom. Indeed, this should be every parent's goal."

My oh my! I sure do hope that my friendship with my children will blossom before they are teens. If it doesn't even begin to blossom until the time they are teens then we will have major problems. Instead of coming to my husband and I for advice about friends, dating, and peer pressure they will run to their friends. (I think Tripp does a great job of laying out a healthy balance of authority and loving communication, as well as practical applications, in his book Shepherding a Child's heart,  and you can read my review of it here.)  I believe it possible to be respected as a godly authority by your children, and at the same time have a healthy and thriving friendship with them. I have seen many healthy examples of this among mothers of teens and older children, so I know it is possible.

Stay tuned for Part Two of this post in a few days.

Why I'm Not Babywise...My Prayer as a New Parent

If you are just now joining us for the Why I'm Not Babywise Series, Welcome!  Please take the time to read the rest of the posts in the series and feel free to leave comments or send me an email. 

My baby girl was a very fussy baby (acid reflux, food sensitivities, etc.) and we spent a lot of time walking outside with her in the Ergo to keep her calm. I would spend a lot of time praying as I walked along. There were many days when I was just so exhausted and doubting if we were doing things the right way, especially as I heard about "easier" babies that were already sleeping through the night. Of course, I wanted her to sleep through the night so I could sleep through the night, but I wanted to really think through what methods I would use to make this happen. I really wanted to pray through all of our parenting decisions. 

 I am not saying that just because the Lord led us to make certain decisions for our baby, that He will lead you to make the same decisions for your baby. However, I do ask you to consider this alternative way of thinking presented in this series, especially if have read and are implementing Babywise. I am not saying you are wrong and I am right and the Lord revealed something to me and not to you, I am simply asking you to hear me out. At the end of the day, we may still have to agree to disagree and seek to show one another love and grace. 

My dialogue with the Lord would often go something like this: "Lord, I don't know what to do. There are so many different opinions out there.  I know that you want me to respond sensitively to the needs of my baby. I know you respond sensitively to me. When I look in your word and study about what kind of Father you are to me I see compassion and response and sensitivity.You respond to my cries day and night. I know that my baby is not trying to manipulate me. Lord, I know you created babies to communicate their needs by crying and that she is not crying to manipulate me. I know that. But it is so hard. Please help me to continue to die to myself and serve her. Please help me to be the kind of parent to her that you are to me. Lord, your word tells us that you will never leave us or forsake us. The Psalms say over and over how you respond to the cries of your children day and night. Lord, even if you don't change the circumstance that is causing me discomfort I know you are holding me as I "cry" and work through it. Lord, I know you are more than just a God of love. You are a just God, a fair God, a holy God, a perfect God, and a wrathful God. But towards your children more than anything you show us love and grace. You sent Christ to be the picture of love and grace. He showed us how to be servants and to sacrifice for others. Your word says to consider the needs of others more important than ourselves. Lord, I had no idea you would give me a baby with acid reflux and other conditions that would cause her to be so fussy, but I thank you for creating her exactly as she is. You are teaching me so much about patience, grace, servanthood, and love. It is hard Lord, but I just have to depend on your grace that much more. Lord, sometimes I am tempted just to put her through boot-camp and train her because that is what the "books" say and that is what many of my friends say, but each time I consider that I feel a check in my Spirit and I feel you leading me in a different direction. I feel you leading me to respond sensitively and to comfort her. I feel you telling me to parent her the way you parent me. Lord, I know as she gets bigger there will be times when she must cry because I am not giving her something that she wants but doesn't need. But Lord, I know you have created babies with wants that are the same as needs. Her needs need to be met the same way you meet my needs. I think back to when I was a new believer and how vulnerable I was and how needy I was. I needed constant reminders of your love and I needed constant encouragement from those that had led me to you. If my "newborn Christian needs" had been ignored by you or by others I don't know where I would be now.  I would have not had the faith in you or the trust in you that I needed to continue to grow in my relationship with you Lord.   Lord, please continue to lead me by your Spirit and guide me every moment of every hour. Please help me to be sensitive to your Spirit and to parent my baby according to the principles of your Word. Please help me to continue to lovingly respond to her even when I don't feel like it. Lord, help me to show her your character and the character of your Son through the way I parent her."

This was my prayer day after day through the newborn months and still today as well. I hope it can encourage you as you pray through how to parent a newborn and an infant, and really any age child. We need to be led by the Spirit and not the "doctrine of men" as we parent our children in each stage of life. God is the only expert on each baby. Gary Ezzo is not the expert on every single baby. God is the ONLY expert on each baby, and He will lead each of us if we take the time to listen and clear out all the other voices that tell us they know how to raise kids God's way. God is the only expert on raising kids His way. Listen to Him and let Him lead you. It might take more faith and more prayer and more time than reading the methods of men in many of the popular baby books, but it will help you to be more sensitive to the Lord and more sensitive to your baby, and that is always a good thing. :)

Why I'm Not Babywise...The Author's Character Counts

If you are just joining us for the Why I'm Not Babywise Series, please read the disclaimer and intro here. It is really important that you understand the context of all of the posts in the series. I pray that I can approach each post with grace and sensitivity, while at the same time shedding light on issues that I believe to be very important in the world of parenting. 


Gary Ezzo. That name can invoke different emotions from different people. It might make some mothers' blood curdle, and it might make some other mothers' heart overflow with gratitude. Once again, I am not attacking mothers or families that have found Babywise helpful, I am simply sharing some reasons about Why I'm Not Babywise. I welcome comments and emails concerning how you may agree or disagree with me as I continue to delve into this series.

I did not know much about Gary Ezzo before I became a mom. Actually I didn't even know much about him when I read the book. I came across information on Gary Ezzo months later and I was so baffled. I couldn't understand how this man had this popular baby parenting book when his character and reputation were so questionable.

Here are a few things to be aware of and informed about as you read or don't read Babywise:

• The Ezzo's claim to be experts, but... Ezzo does not have a 2 year or 4 year degree, and his Master of Ministry program accepted him based on life experience in lieu of an actual earned college degree. He has NO MEDICAL or LACTION credentials. We aren't even told if his wife breastfed or the success she had with it. Babywise added Dr. Bucknam as a co-author, but it is unclear if Bucknam contributed anything but the foreward where he shares his testimony of using Babywsie. Also, it wasn't until after Dr. Bucknam's exposure to Babywise that he switched to pediatrics. When receiving wide-ranging medical or biblical criticism Ezzo usually blames it on jealousy or personal bias. 
• Divisiveness.  Ezzo was excommunicated from John MacArthur's church near Los Angelos and was also subjected to church disciplinary procedures in two other churches where he held leadership positions. Click here for John MacArthur's statements.  All of the leaders sited character issues such as divisiveness, untruthfulness, and malicious gossiping. Two of the pastors have stated that they believe he is unfit for Christian ministry positions. Here is a letter from the elders of one of those churches regarding his discipline.
• Slandering those that disagree. Ezzo has attacked, denigrated and spread malicious gossip about parents, reporters, medical professionals and others who dare to disagree with and/or criticize his material.   For specific examples,click here. 
• His "end results". In the introduction of his book he tells readers to simply observe the end results when considering different parenting styles. Sadly enough, Ezzo's adult children are presently estranged from their parents. 
• Detailed timeline.A detailed timeline of Ezzo's bio and controversy
• What other respected Christian leader and medical professionals have to say about Babywise and Growing Kids God's Way.Click here for that.  Just to name a few, Here is a short snippet from the American Academy of Pediatrics. Among concerns from Christians you can find comments from Focus on the Family, James Dobson, Tedd Tripp, and John MacArthur of Grace Community Church (the church he was on staff with when he started GFI). 

This is all I am going to post about Gary Ezzo for now. I provided plenty of links to keep you busy clicking away until I post again.  Please take your time reading the links and exploring the Ezzo Info website, where I received a lot of this information. With so many amazingly wonderful books out there on parenting written by godly Christian men, do you really want to read and implement a book by Gary Ezzo, after all you've learned about him? 


Here is a list of some of those alternatives.    


I know for me, when I found out all of this information I was blown away. I had never heard anyone talk at all about character concerns regarding Gary Ezzo. I felt personally deceived and also felt upset that so many of my friends had been deceived as well. I was also so relieved that I had discovered a different way of parenting than the Babywise method. 


(On a side note, I will be out of town this week so I won't be posting much. This should give you plenty of time to catch up on the Babywise Series and have fun clicking around on all of the websites I linked)


Remember, please keep your comments directed Babywise and not the precious mothers that choose to use parts of the Babywise method. And Babywise moms, I ask you do the same for those that choose not to use Babywise. Let us all take a moment to meditate on the grace of God and actively extend that to others as well.  I have to remind myself of this daily! 

Why I'm Not Babywise...My Story

Welcome to the  Why I'm Not Babywise Series


Before reading any further please read my introduction and disclaimer here. This is the second post in the series. Gary Ezzo wrote a book called On Becoming Babywise, and also material and curriculum called Growing Kids God's Way. I have only read On Becoming Babywise 1995 edition. 



You would think someone like me would be a perfect candidate for Babywise. I am very Type A (but being married to a type B has helped me calm down a bit), and I love planning. I hate to not know what my calendar holds or what my day is going to look like. I like to be in charge of my schedule and I love to be on time. I hate being late and I hate canceling appointments. I like predictability, and I am not prone to being flexible.  Oh, and I love sleep. I mean, who doesn't? (Being in the south has really challenged my personality in a lot of these areas. These folks are just overall more laid back).

So of course when I heard about the principles in Babywise when I was in college it sounded great. As a college student, I especially loved sleep. Getting a daily nap in was very important, right? You remember those carefree college days. So when I heard about getting your baby to sleep through the night at a very young age and getting them on a predictable schedule it sounded wonderful! I don't think I knew at the time that these principles came from a book called Babywise, but I am pretty sure they did.

Also in college I was learning more about reformed theology and human depravity. The Bible clearly teaches that we are sinful from conception and are born sinners. Babies are sinners. I remember using this illustration as an analogy several times when I was sharing about sin: "If you have ever been around a newborn baby it is clear to see that we are born sinful. They are so selfish and only want their own way. They cry all the time because they are selfish and sinful and want their needs met." (I now see that although we are all born sinful, a newborn baby's cry is not an expression of that sin. A newborn baby's cry is a reflex and a newborn baby cries to communicate, not to manipulate. )

Then as I graduated and many of my friends started having babies, I started hearing about the principles in Babywise a lot more. It still sounded great to me. One of my close friends was telling me about how her babies would start sleeping through the night around 8 weeks or so. This sounded simply heavenly to me. She also told me about "cry it out" and this sounded fine too. If this cry it out method was helping them sleep through the night at 8 weeks then it couldn't be all bad, could it? There was even another girl we went to college with that posted some stuff on facebook about "crying it out" being bad for babies and we talked about how crazy of an idea this was. How ironic that I go to this girl now for advice, and that people now probably talk about how crazy my ideas are. Hah! How the tables have turned, huh?

Then I got married and a year later conceived a baby. I began researching pregnancy and childbirth options and decided on homebirth.  For that story click here. After entering into the world of homebirth I began to be exposed to a more natural approach to parenting and started hearing terms like "attachment parenting". I was leery of attachment parenting because of common myths I had heard about it. I didn't want to raise a spoiled bratty baby after all.  Towards the beginning of my pregnancy I was convinced that I would read and implement Babywise. I bought this book at a local bookstore early in my pregnancy but didn't read it right away. Instead I began reading birth books that leaned in the more natural direction since I was planning a homebirth. I also took a birthing class and a breastfeeding class along with my husband that leaned towards more of a natural style of parenting. We read a couple of articles on "attachment" but the teaching didn't directly advocate attachment parenting. Still,  I started thinking that there might be a different way then just Babywise.

Then, a friend loaned me a book that changed the course of my parenting.  When she loaned it to me she said that a friend of hers that didn't like Babywise gave it to her. At this point I was still kinda thinking, "Why wouldn't someone like Babywise?" I took it and decided I would read it just to get a different perspective. Why not, right?
After finishing up all my birth books, I picked up this book... The Complete Book of Christian Parenting & Child Care by Dr. Sears. I loved it right away.  What?! A Christian that teaches something other than fear based parenting and crying it out methods? This book totally changed my perspective on babies and parenting. Dr. Sears coined the phrase "attachment parenting", although mothers and fathers have been practicing the principles of attachment parenting for centuries. Needless to say, this started me down the path of thinking that maybe Babywise wasn't the wisest way to parent a baby. At least not as a cut and dry method, or a one size fits all program for every baby.

I decided I still wanted to read Babywise so I could see what all the hype was about and understand where my friends were coming from and what they were being taught by this Gary Ezzo guy. I read it from cover to cover. I will admit there are some worthwhile things to learn about in this book, but several other more helpful baby friendly books talk about routine and breastfeeding much more thoroughly and sensitively. Most of this book, and the general attitude of Gary Ezzo, rubbed me the wrong way. There are several things in this book that I disagree with that I will address in later posts.

After reading Babywise I was even more convinced that I did not want to do things this way. I wanted to follow my God-given mothering insticts and I wanted to depend on the Spirit to parent my baby, not rules and methods laid out by a man. I wanted to model the servant-leadership of Christ to my baby. I wanted to seek to put her first as Philippians 2 teaches. If I want my baby to see Christ through me and to see what kind of Father God is I have to model that to her. I found many of the principles in Babywise to be unbiblical. I also found that many issues that are non-biblical Ezzo turned into commands and musts that God never intended or laid out in His word.

I am so glad that I came across this different way of parenting, this natural, instinctive way of parenting, this attached, bonded style of parenting, this family-centered style of parenting, this gentle, baby sensitive style of parenting.

I am so glad that the Lord showed me that He is the only One who can show us how to raise kids God's way. He is the ultimate authority on parenting, and it is on He that I depend on every day to lead me and guide me as I parent my baby girl. He created each baby in his/her mother's womb with different temperaments and unique needs, and He is the expert on parenting each baby. It is on Him that we should lean on.

For more on my views of parenting you can check out this post.

Please stay with me as I go through specific methods and principles that Gary Ezzo teaches that I believe to be medically and biblically inaccurate, and most of all why they didn't/wouldn't have worked for us. The rest of the posts I hope to keep much shorter. I know I 'm long winded. Thanks for reading to the end!

Please remember as you post comments not to attack one another as mothers but to critique the principles of Babywise, not those that implement various principles he teaches. Please give one another grace as we all seek to parent our babies the best way we know how. 


Well, what about you? What is your story in Why You're Not Babywise, or Why You are Babywise?

Why I'm Not Babywise Series

Why I'm Not Babywise Series


Welcome to the Why I'm Not Babywise Series. The author of On Becoming Babywise, Garry Ezzo, also wrote curriculum geared towards Christians called Growing Kids God's Way. I have only read the 1995 edition of On Becoming Babywise. I have never read GKGW or Toddlerwise or any other Gary Ezzo "wise" books. So it is only to Babywise that I can speak. I have heard of principles he lays out in GKGW so that may come through a bit in my writing, but I never read it myself. Welcome to the my first blogging series!

 An Intro Please read this disclaimer and intro before reading any of the other posts or you won't understand the context of any other posts)
 My Story
The Author's Character Counts  
My Prayer as a New Parent
From mainstream mama to "crazy" mama. One mom's story 
I'm "that mom" in Chapter One, except I'm not PART ONE
I'm "that mom" PART TWO 
Wisdom from a Veteran Mom of 4
Are babies born to BE SERVANTS or to BE SERVED?

Babywise is NOT the Bible: Parenting by the Law or by the Spirit?
My best friend's Babywise story, and why it worked for her... 
One of my best friend's parenting story and her thoughts on Babywise 
Scheduling, Boobs, and Bottles, part one 


Here is some researching you can do:
Information on the author of Babywise, Gary Ezzo
Babywise Series by Sorta Crunchy
On Becoming Ezzowise
Ezzo Week by Tulip Girl
Confessions of a failed Babywiser
Ezzo Parenting

Why I'm Not Babywise... An Intro

Welcome to the  Why I'm Not Babywise Series

So, here goes my story about my why I'm not Babywise.  I want to approach this post with huge amounts of grace and sensitivity for those who may read this, and I hope you will do the same for me. This series is my personal story of why I'm not Babywise.

A bit of a disclaimer: I have put off and put off and put off writing this because I DO NOT want to offend anyone or come across judgmental. Many of my close friends implement several of the principles taught in Babywise. In fact, my very best friend and I disagree about Babywise, but at the end of the day we still LOVE EACH OTHER. Also, I think it is important to say that most all of my friends I know that implement aspects of Babywise are AMAZING MOMS. In fact, some of my favorite kids belong to families that use Babywise principles. I am in no way trying to condemn Babywise moms or tell you that you are doing things wrong. One thing that I have learned over the past few months is that different things work for different families and different babies.

Also, most of my friends do not follow every word that Gary Ezzo lays out in Babywise. They use the wisdom and discernment bestowed on them by God to sift through the various principles Gary Ezzo suggests. However, Gary Ezzo urges his readers not to deviate from anything he teaches or lays out in his book. He teaches that you should implement all of it into your parenting. I do have a problem with that, and in later posts I will go into more details on the actual principles that I am not fond of.

Like I said, this is my story. I am in no way trying to convert Babywise moms to a different way of parenting, or to tell you that if you use Babywise you are doing things wrong or are a bad mom. In fact, I think the reverse is usually true. Moms that don't use Babywise or another form of baby training seem to be in the minority these days, especially among the Christian community. At many times I have felt very isolated and haven't found many "real life" moms that I could talk to about baby issues without getting "babywise advice".  When I would talk about my baby girl being fussy or not sleeping through the night yet, I always wondered if they were thinking, "well, that's because you didn't make her cry it out, or because you held her too much", or "you just need to get her on a schedule".

My purpose in doing this series is so that moms who wonder if Babywise is the only way will see that it is not the only way to parent babies. There is in fact, a different way that might appeal to many moms out there who wouldn't know about it otherwise. So many new moms are handed a Babywise book by another mom and they read it and think they have to follow every bit or they are a failure. Many of those moms aren't comfortable with many of the methods suggested in this book, but don't know of any other way, so they end up using Babywise principles against their own better judgement. Or they believe the lie that Ezzo teaches that if they don't use Babywise they will produce a spoiled, bratty, unhappy, sleep deprived baby. Many moms reluctantly use Babywise because they don't know of any other way because most of the Christian culture uses Babywise principles. My purpose is to show that there is in fact another way. A way that isn't about rules and methods, but is about depending on the Lord and the natural mothering instinct that He instills inside of us.

If you have used Babywise and loved it then good for you. Great for you actually! I know that there are many moms out there who do love it and it has worked great to meet the needs of their family and their baby. I am not judging you or telling you that you are wrong. I just want to make that clear. There is so much pressure on moms and we are constantly doubting ourselves enough as it is. I am not here to add to that pressure or tell you that you did it all wrong. My baby is only 10 months old so my perspective is very fresh and new and I am simply sharing from my experiences. I am not a baby/child psychologist, pediatrician, or child behavior expert. I am just a mom to a sweet baby girl sharing my story....

About why I'm not Babywise....

Before I share my story in following posts I encourage you to research for yourself as I did.
Here are some places to get started researching:
Information on the author of Babywise, Gary Ezzo
Babywise Series by Sorta Crunchy
On Becoming Ezzowise
Ezzo Week by Tulip Girl
Confessions of a failed Babywiser
Ezzo Parenting

Also, spend some time thinking about God the Father and how he parents you. Meditate on His character and think about His grace and love for you.