From Mainstream Mama to "Crazy" Mama. One Mom's story. (Babywise Series)

If you are just now joining us for the Why I'm Not Babywise Series, Welcome! Please take some time to read the previous posts, especially my Intro/Disclaimer so you can read the rest of the posts in context. I am seeking to be very sensitive to my readers who may implement Babywise. I pray we can all show one another grace as we seek to parent all of our babies in the way God leads us. I invite considerate comments, whether you agree or disagree. 

As I have different moms share their stories about what did or did not work for them from Babywise please be considerate of their thoughts and feelings. This is one mom's story about going from a "mainstream mom to a "crazy" attachment parenting mom". You can read more from her at her blog, The Dawley's. So without further ado, this is Carrie Dawley's story:

 

 

While I was pregnant, I had several friends and coworkers recommend "Babywise" to me.  I was told that it was a great book that has allowed them to raise "good" children that slept through the night as early as 8 weeks old.  This sounded too good to be true.  How did more people not know about this amazing book?!  I couldn't get to Borders fast enough to check it out.  

 

As I started reading it, I knew that I wanted to be the family that had the easy baby.  I did not want to be that crazy, sleep-deprived attachment parenting family!  The Ezzo's did a fine job of showing two different extremes to instill fear into parents.  I mean, who doesn't want the easy baby?  As I continued to read; however, I felt a little uneasy.  A lot of things in the book just didn't sit right with me, and I stopped reading the book after a few chapters.  I didn't know how I was going to parent (I don't think any of us really do until we're thrown into it), but I knew I couldn't follow Babywise.

 

In the early days of motherhood, I had many people giving me advice.  I was told that my daughter was being spoiled by me holding her all of the time even as a newborn.  I was told that she needed alone time in her crib throughout the day so she could learn to be independent.  This advice from women I love and respect, felt so very wrong to me.  I followed my heart and ignored this well-meaning advice just as I ignored Babywise.  

 

As time went on, I continued to ignore parenting advice I received.  I went from the mainstream parent I thought I would be, to that "crazy" attachment parenting mother.  The biggest aspects of attachment parenting that I followed that I never imagined I would do are babywearing and co-sleeping.

 

Babywearing

I held my daughter constantly in those early days, even as she slept.  I hated putting her down.  We had a fancy swing and I always felt so guilty putting her down so I could go do things around the house.  To solve this problem, I bought a Moby Wrap and started wearing her while I did housework and ran errands.  I continued to wear her when I started back to work when she was 3 months old.  As soon as I would come home from work, I would hold her (even while she slept) or wear her.  It really helped us to reconnect after being apart.  And now even though I quit my job, am a stay-at-home mom, and my daughter is almost 13 months old, I still wear her when she needs to be close, when we go on walks, and when we run errands.  She prefers our Ergo carrier to the cart or stroller, and she actually gets excited when I pull out the Ergo.  It feels great to know that she loves babywearing just as much as I do!

 

Co-Sleeping

Before I became a mom, I didn't see the point of babies sleeping in bassinets in the parents room for their first few weeks.  My daughter's room is right across the hall, and that seemed close enough to me.  I had no plans of having her sleep in our room. 

When we brought her home from the hospital, however, we had her sleep in a co-sleeper next to our bed. It felt wrong not having her right by me.  As time went on, she continued to sleep in our room and eventually it turned into our bed. I used to get up and feed her in the rocking chair in her room, but I quickly started feeding her while laying in bed.  Getting up felt weird to me, but keeping her close in bed while feeding her didn't.  Again, I followed my heart and instincts.  These days, my daughter naps in her crib and goes to sleep in her crib at night.  If she wakes up at night, we always bring her to bed with us.  It's just what feels right to us.  It is such an awesome feeling to wake up with my two favorite people in the world.  I love waking up in the morning to my daughter's big smile and loving pats.  I cherish these moments because they are only temporary.  Before I know it, she will sleep through the night consistently and not need us at all.

 

I have received a lot of criticism about my parenting.  I have been told that I need to let my daughter cry-it-out, that we will never get her out of our bed, that she won't be independent and will never want to be put down, that we'll hinder her mobility, that we'll ruin our marriage, etc., etc., etc.  It is hard to hear the advice and criticism, but it is getting easier because I know that people couldn't be more wrong.  My daughter has an amazing bond with my husband and I. I know what she wants, thinks, or needs without her saying a word.  We are so connected.  And at the same time, she is very independent.  She loves doing things on her own, but she always returns from exploring to hug me or pat me.  While she is feisty and spirited, she is also very loving and compassionate.  She is full of hugs and pats for her mommy and daddy, doggie, and the little baby that I babysit.  I am so proud of the sweet little person she is becoming.  And my marriage is just as strong as ever!

 

As I continue this parenting journey, I know that it is so important for me to ignore the advice and books and just follow my heart and God-given instincts.  When I do that, I can't go wrong.

 

While I haven't followed the parenting advice I've been given, I do have advice for other parents.:) My advice is to follow your heart.  This will most likely will result in a parenting style that is different from mine, but it will definitely result in a style that is perfect for your family.  No book, especially Babywise, knows your unique child and family.  No other parent does either. Different things work for different families, and only you know what works for yours.

Are babies born to BE SERVANTS or to BE SERVED? (Babywise series)

 

If you are just now joining us for the Why I'm Not Babywise Series, Welcome! Please take some time to read the previous posts, especially my Intro/Disclaimer so you can read the rest of the posts in context. I am seeking to be very sensitive to my readers who may implement Babywise. I pray we can all show one another grace as we seek to parent all of our babies in the way God leads us. I invite considerate comments, whether you agree or disagree.

"And whoever wants to be first must be slave of all.  For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10:44-45

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,  not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus."Philippians 2:3-5

"Then people brought little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked them. Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” When he had placed his hands on them, he went on from there." Matthew 19:13-15

One of the main problems I have with Babywise (BW) or other Baby Training (BT) books is that there is an overall attitude that having a baby shouldn't really change life much. Well, let me tell you, a baby changes EVERYTHING! From cry-it-out (CIO) to rigid schedules to hands-off parenting, BT books teach you how to get your baby to cater to you.

" If you want to know what your day is going to be like each day so you can schedule outings with your friends or date nights with your husband then get that baby on a schedule. Don't let your baby rule the roost. Take charge!"

As I read BW the overall feel I got when I read it was that using BW will make your baby convenient. I got the impression that BW teaches a parent-centered style of baby rearing, instead of family centered or a baby sensitive style. Isn't it wrong to be self-centered? Especially in our parenting?

What does Jesus teach us? Jesus came to serve, not to be served. He is our ultimate example. In Philippians, Paul, inspired by God, tells us to value others above ourselves. Does this not include babies? He tells us to consider the interests of others. Does this not include babies and children? He tells us that in our relationship with ONE ANOTHER (babies are one another) to have the same mindset as Christ Jesus! Does this not include babies?

There is nothing convenient about living for Jesus and striving to become like Jesus. I am so far from what I should be. I am not the servant that I want to be or the servant that God calls me to be, but I am praying and striving to be more like Jesus in this area. Living for Jesus means dying to self daily and living for Him and for others. We are to be servants to others, and not expect others to serve us. We are to consider others BETTER than ourselves, even small babies.

Jesus took the time to love on children. When the disciples claimed Jesus was too busy and rebuked him for letting the children come to him, Jesus made a point to let the children sit on his lap and pray for them. There is no one busier that Jesus. The busiest mom on the planet isn't busier than Jesus. Did he view children as an inconvenience or a blessing?

I realize that no matter what sort of parenting style a mom follows (by choice or by default) that there is an element of sacrifice. Every good mother sacrifices for her children and serves her children. But what is the attitude of your heart? (again, asking myself this too)

When your baby needs to be nursed 30 minutes after they just ate do you view it as an opportunity to serve them and meet their needs, or as an inconvenience that is messing up your schedule? When your baby has a hard time settling down to sleep do you strive to serve them and meet their needs or do you view it as an inconvenience and force them to cry themselves to sleep? When your baby just needs some extra loving do you joyfully hold them or wear them or do you view it as an inconvenience that is keeping your from other things you need to get done? (I am asking these questions to myself too) No matter what parenting style we follow we all struggle with serving our babies and meeting their needs 24/7. But since when were babies supposed to serve our needs and be convenient? 

As I read BW and starting fantasizing about having that "perfect" baby that he described I was reminded of Jesus and how he came to serve and not to be served, and that he gave his life as a ransom for many. If I want my babies and children to see Jesus in me, I need to strive to be like Jesus in how I parent them. I don't need to try to get them to sleep through the night prematurely just so I can have a more convenient night of sleep. I don't need to force them onto a four hour feeding schedule that they are not physically ready for just because some author told me to. I don't need to stop nursing or rocking them to sleep for fear of spoiling them. All I need to do is be like Jesus to them and seek to meet their needs and serve them. That's it. 

Sacrifice, not convenience.

Why I Can't Make Mom Friends, & Birth Story Week

 

I first saw this video months ago and I can totally relate. Can you?

Also....Birth Story Week is coming up next week. I am looking for some of my readers to share their birth stories. If you had a natural birth or a home birth I am particularly interested in sharing your story. Please submit your story (reasonable in length) by Saturday May 7th at 10:00pm so I have time to edit and format them. Also if you'd like to attach a photo that would be great. You can email the birth stories to me at chalbond@gmail.com  (Also, if you have an adoption story you'd like to share I would love to post those as well)

Thanks so much! I look forward to reading them and sharing them!

Why I'm Not Babywise...My Story

Welcome to the  Why I'm Not Babywise Series


Before reading any further please read my introduction and disclaimer here. This is the second post in the series. Gary Ezzo wrote a book called On Becoming Babywise, and also material and curriculum called Growing Kids God's Way. I have only read On Becoming Babywise 1995 edition. 



You would think someone like me would be a perfect candidate for Babywise. I am very Type A (but being married to a type B has helped me calm down a bit), and I love planning. I hate to not know what my calendar holds or what my day is going to look like. I like to be in charge of my schedule and I love to be on time. I hate being late and I hate canceling appointments. I like predictability, and I am not prone to being flexible.  Oh, and I love sleep. I mean, who doesn't? (Being in the south has really challenged my personality in a lot of these areas. These folks are just overall more laid back).

So of course when I heard about the principles in Babywise when I was in college it sounded great. As a college student, I especially loved sleep. Getting a daily nap in was very important, right? You remember those carefree college days. So when I heard about getting your baby to sleep through the night at a very young age and getting them on a predictable schedule it sounded wonderful! I don't think I knew at the time that these principles came from a book called Babywise, but I am pretty sure they did.

Also in college I was learning more about reformed theology and human depravity. The Bible clearly teaches that we are sinful from conception and are born sinners. Babies are sinners. I remember using this illustration as an analogy several times when I was sharing about sin: "If you have ever been around a newborn baby it is clear to see that we are born sinful. They are so selfish and only want their own way. They cry all the time because they are selfish and sinful and want their needs met." (I now see that although we are all born sinful, a newborn baby's cry is not an expression of that sin. A newborn baby's cry is a reflex and a newborn baby cries to communicate, not to manipulate. )

Then as I graduated and many of my friends started having babies, I started hearing about the principles in Babywise a lot more. It still sounded great to me. One of my close friends was telling me about how her babies would start sleeping through the night around 8 weeks or so. This sounded simply heavenly to me. She also told me about "cry it out" and this sounded fine too. If this cry it out method was helping them sleep through the night at 8 weeks then it couldn't be all bad, could it? There was even another girl we went to college with that posted some stuff on facebook about "crying it out" being bad for babies and we talked about how crazy of an idea this was. How ironic that I go to this girl now for advice, and that people now probably talk about how crazy my ideas are. Hah! How the tables have turned, huh?

Then I got married and a year later conceived a baby. I began researching pregnancy and childbirth options and decided on homebirth.  For that story click here. After entering into the world of homebirth I began to be exposed to a more natural approach to parenting and started hearing terms like "attachment parenting". I was leery of attachment parenting because of common myths I had heard about it. I didn't want to raise a spoiled bratty baby after all.  Towards the beginning of my pregnancy I was convinced that I would read and implement Babywise. I bought this book at a local bookstore early in my pregnancy but didn't read it right away. Instead I began reading birth books that leaned in the more natural direction since I was planning a homebirth. I also took a birthing class and a breastfeeding class along with my husband that leaned towards more of a natural style of parenting. We read a couple of articles on "attachment" but the teaching didn't directly advocate attachment parenting. Still,  I started thinking that there might be a different way then just Babywise.

Then, a friend loaned me a book that changed the course of my parenting.  When she loaned it to me she said that a friend of hers that didn't like Babywise gave it to her. At this point I was still kinda thinking, "Why wouldn't someone like Babywise?" I took it and decided I would read it just to get a different perspective. Why not, right?
After finishing up all my birth books, I picked up this book... The Complete Book of Christian Parenting & Child Care by Dr. Sears. I loved it right away.  What?! A Christian that teaches something other than fear based parenting and crying it out methods? This book totally changed my perspective on babies and parenting. Dr. Sears coined the phrase "attachment parenting", although mothers and fathers have been practicing the principles of attachment parenting for centuries. Needless to say, this started me down the path of thinking that maybe Babywise wasn't the wisest way to parent a baby. At least not as a cut and dry method, or a one size fits all program for every baby.

I decided I still wanted to read Babywise so I could see what all the hype was about and understand where my friends were coming from and what they were being taught by this Gary Ezzo guy. I read it from cover to cover. I will admit there are some worthwhile things to learn about in this book, but several other more helpful baby friendly books talk about routine and breastfeeding much more thoroughly and sensitively. Most of this book, and the general attitude of Gary Ezzo, rubbed me the wrong way. There are several things in this book that I disagree with that I will address in later posts.

After reading Babywise I was even more convinced that I did not want to do things this way. I wanted to follow my God-given mothering insticts and I wanted to depend on the Spirit to parent my baby, not rules and methods laid out by a man. I wanted to model the servant-leadership of Christ to my baby. I wanted to seek to put her first as Philippians 2 teaches. If I want my baby to see Christ through me and to see what kind of Father God is I have to model that to her. I found many of the principles in Babywise to be unbiblical. I also found that many issues that are non-biblical Ezzo turned into commands and musts that God never intended or laid out in His word.

I am so glad that I came across this different way of parenting, this natural, instinctive way of parenting, this attached, bonded style of parenting, this family-centered style of parenting, this gentle, baby sensitive style of parenting.

I am so glad that the Lord showed me that He is the only One who can show us how to raise kids God's way. He is the ultimate authority on parenting, and it is on He that I depend on every day to lead me and guide me as I parent my baby girl. He created each baby in his/her mother's womb with different temperaments and unique needs, and He is the expert on parenting each baby. It is on Him that we should lean on.

For more on my views of parenting you can check out this post.

Please stay with me as I go through specific methods and principles that Gary Ezzo teaches that I believe to be medically and biblically inaccurate, and most of all why they didn't/wouldn't have worked for us. The rest of the posts I hope to keep much shorter. I know I 'm long winded. Thanks for reading to the end!

Please remember as you post comments not to attack one another as mothers but to critique the principles of Babywise, not those that implement various principles he teaches. Please give one another grace as we all seek to parent our babies the best way we know how. 


Well, what about you? What is your story in Why You're Not Babywise, or Why You are Babywise?

Why I'm Not Babywise Series

Why I'm Not Babywise Series


Welcome to the Why I'm Not Babywise Series. The author of On Becoming Babywise, Garry Ezzo, also wrote curriculum geared towards Christians called Growing Kids God's Way. I have only read the 1995 edition of On Becoming Babywise. I have never read GKGW or Toddlerwise or any other Gary Ezzo "wise" books. So it is only to Babywise that I can speak. I have heard of principles he lays out in GKGW so that may come through a bit in my writing, but I never read it myself. Welcome to the my first blogging series!

 An Intro Please read this disclaimer and intro before reading any of the other posts or you won't understand the context of any other posts)
 My Story
The Author's Character Counts  
My Prayer as a New Parent
From mainstream mama to "crazy" mama. One mom's story 
I'm "that mom" in Chapter One, except I'm not PART ONE
I'm "that mom" PART TWO 
Wisdom from a Veteran Mom of 4
Are babies born to BE SERVANTS or to BE SERVED?

Babywise is NOT the Bible: Parenting by the Law or by the Spirit?
My best friend's Babywise story, and why it worked for her... 
One of my best friend's parenting story and her thoughts on Babywise 
Scheduling, Boobs, and Bottles, part one 


Here is some researching you can do:
Information on the author of Babywise, Gary Ezzo
Babywise Series by Sorta Crunchy
On Becoming Ezzowise
Ezzo Week by Tulip Girl
Confessions of a failed Babywiser
Ezzo Parenting

Why I'm Not Babywise... An Intro

Welcome to the  Why I'm Not Babywise Series

So, here goes my story about my why I'm not Babywise.  I want to approach this post with huge amounts of grace and sensitivity for those who may read this, and I hope you will do the same for me. This series is my personal story of why I'm not Babywise.

A bit of a disclaimer: I have put off and put off and put off writing this because I DO NOT want to offend anyone or come across judgmental. Many of my close friends implement several of the principles taught in Babywise. In fact, my very best friend and I disagree about Babywise, but at the end of the day we still LOVE EACH OTHER. Also, I think it is important to say that most all of my friends I know that implement aspects of Babywise are AMAZING MOMS. In fact, some of my favorite kids belong to families that use Babywise principles. I am in no way trying to condemn Babywise moms or tell you that you are doing things wrong. One thing that I have learned over the past few months is that different things work for different families and different babies.

Also, most of my friends do not follow every word that Gary Ezzo lays out in Babywise. They use the wisdom and discernment bestowed on them by God to sift through the various principles Gary Ezzo suggests. However, Gary Ezzo urges his readers not to deviate from anything he teaches or lays out in his book. He teaches that you should implement all of it into your parenting. I do have a problem with that, and in later posts I will go into more details on the actual principles that I am not fond of.

Like I said, this is my story. I am in no way trying to convert Babywise moms to a different way of parenting, or to tell you that if you use Babywise you are doing things wrong or are a bad mom. In fact, I think the reverse is usually true. Moms that don't use Babywise or another form of baby training seem to be in the minority these days, especially among the Christian community. At many times I have felt very isolated and haven't found many "real life" moms that I could talk to about baby issues without getting "babywise advice".  When I would talk about my baby girl being fussy or not sleeping through the night yet, I always wondered if they were thinking, "well, that's because you didn't make her cry it out, or because you held her too much", or "you just need to get her on a schedule".

My purpose in doing this series is so that moms who wonder if Babywise is the only way will see that it is not the only way to parent babies. There is in fact, a different way that might appeal to many moms out there who wouldn't know about it otherwise. So many new moms are handed a Babywise book by another mom and they read it and think they have to follow every bit or they are a failure. Many of those moms aren't comfortable with many of the methods suggested in this book, but don't know of any other way, so they end up using Babywise principles against their own better judgement. Or they believe the lie that Ezzo teaches that if they don't use Babywise they will produce a spoiled, bratty, unhappy, sleep deprived baby. Many moms reluctantly use Babywise because they don't know of any other way because most of the Christian culture uses Babywise principles. My purpose is to show that there is in fact another way. A way that isn't about rules and methods, but is about depending on the Lord and the natural mothering instinct that He instills inside of us.

If you have used Babywise and loved it then good for you. Great for you actually! I know that there are many moms out there who do love it and it has worked great to meet the needs of their family and their baby. I am not judging you or telling you that you are wrong. I just want to make that clear. There is so much pressure on moms and we are constantly doubting ourselves enough as it is. I am not here to add to that pressure or tell you that you did it all wrong. My baby is only 10 months old so my perspective is very fresh and new and I am simply sharing from my experiences. I am not a baby/child psychologist, pediatrician, or child behavior expert. I am just a mom to a sweet baby girl sharing my story....

About why I'm not Babywise....

Before I share my story in following posts I encourage you to research for yourself as I did.
Here are some places to get started researching:
Information on the author of Babywise, Gary Ezzo
Babywise Series by Sorta Crunchy
On Becoming Ezzowise
Ezzo Week by Tulip Girl
Confessions of a failed Babywiser
Ezzo Parenting

Also, spend some time thinking about God the Father and how he parents you. Meditate on His character and think about His grace and love for you.