Book Review: Shepherding a Child's Heart

Overall, I give this book 2.5 stars. I really loved most of it. It was encouraging for me to read for my own walk with God, not just instruction about parenting. Tedd Tripp's overall emphasis is on making sure you reach the heart of the child; do not simply correct behavior but concentrate on the heart. If you focus simply on behavior and raising a "good girl" or a "good boy" you will raise a Pharisee. Instead, you should instruct the heart and bring the gospel before them continually. This resonates with me because I do not want to raise "good" children, but "godly" children.  

I love the overall theme of this book. On the other hand, there are several things, or one main thing that I disagree with. I actually knew that before I even read it. I do not agree with his view on spanking (which I address later). Since I have read this book several years ago, a great alternative has been written that I would recommend to believing parents in a heartbeat. Give Them Grace by Elyse Fitzpatrick goes deeper into the gospel centrality of parenting that Tripp's book even, and I think has even more of a grace based approach. My personal favorite book after Give Them Grace would be Heartfelt Discipline and I believe the Clarksons have found a very spirit-filled balance of firmness in their parenting, but also grace based/ gentle discipline, that truly reaches the heart of our children for Jesus without inflicting punishment.

This is a summary of his book and main points taken from Chapter 13 Shepherding the Heart Summarized, pp122
"1. Your children are the product of two things. The first--shaping influence--is their physical makeup and their life experience. The second---Godward orientation--determines how they interact with that experience. Parenting involves (1) providing the best shaping influences you can and (2) the careful shepherding of your children's responses to those influences. 
2. The heart determines behavior. Learn, therefore, to work back from behavior to the heart. Expose heart struggles. Help your children see that they were made for a relationship with God. The thirst of the heart can be satisfied in truly knowing God. 
3. You have authority because God made you his agent. This means you are on his errand, not yours. Your task is to help your children know God and the true nature of reality. This will enable them to know themselves. 
4. Since the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever, you must set such a worldview before your children. You must help them learn that only in him will they find themselves. 
5. Biblical goals must be accomplished through biblical methods. Therefore, you must reject the substitute methods that our culture presents. 
6. God has given two methods for childrearing. They are (1) communication and (2) the rod. These methods must be woven together in your practice. Your children need to be known and understood. Thus, rich communication is necessary. The rod functions to underscore the importance of the things you talk about with them. 
In part two we will apply these principles to the specifics of childrearing in the various stages of childhood development."

In general, Tedd Tripp teaches about authority in a very godly, Christlike way. He teaches it as it is, a loving, grace filled position given to the parents by God. It is not to be lorded over them in any way. I think he does a great job teaching about the authority that the parents are to exercise.

I love what he says about the heart. It is something I need to be reminded of in my own walk with God. Most all books about discipline or raising children, Christian or not, focus completely on behavior and virtues. The real issue is the heart and that must be addressed. Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. (Luke 6:43-35)

I also love what he says about keeping the chief end of man before your children always; to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. He also lays out some great examples of biblical goals to have with your children. It shouldn't be our goal to have our children on every sports team and the best academically in their classes at school. Our goal should be to point them to Christ and show them Christ in our parenting.

I have some issues with him on his fifth point. Some of the methods he thinks are "cultural" I believe to be biblical and to stem from a grace-based gentle approach to discipline. I understand where he arrives at his conclusion because of his theology on spanking, but I disagree with him that there is a one size fits all method to instruction and discipline.

I love everything he says about communication and think it is so important to take the time to actively seek to communicate to your children as to the "why" behind everything.  He goes through all the different aspects of communication, such as encouragement, correction, rebuke, entreaty, instruction, warning, teaching, and prayer. There is so much wisdom to be gleaned in these chapters on communication.

However, I think he (and many biblical scholars that I admire and respect) interpret the rod verses in Proverbs incorrectly. A few years ago I would have scoffed at anyone who told me this, but after looking into it myself I believe it to be the case. Simply do a word study in the original language of Hebrew on "rod" and "child" and you will see that the interpretation of many Christian authors and scholars is faulty.  You can read the book review here at Mothering By Grace, where they go through specific statements Tedd makes about the rod and show the correct interpretation. Also, for an extensive look at the rod you can look here at  a Christian that does not spank? Let me be clear, that I am not looking to get into a debate on spanking versus not spanking. I am simply critiquing the interpretation made by many bible scholars and declaring that God commands us to spank our children, and makes the conclusion that if we don't spank our children we do not love them. With this train of thought I disagree.

(, I am not going seeking to argue for spanking or against spanking, as I do not think there is a one-size fits all method for discipline. I am simply stating I do not agree with the interpretation Tripp makes of the rod verses, and most definitely his step by step process he tells parents to employ)

Probably the biggest problem I have with this book though, is that he gives an example of spanking his 8 month old. And the 8 step method he lays out involves taking off the diaper and spanking the bare bottom. I will argue to the grave that this is wrong. An 8 month old can't be reasoned with yet, and can't possibly understand that the spanking is an act of "love and grace" as he claims.

Although I do have major problems with his view on spanking being commanded by God, I love the overall theme of the book. We must reach the heart of our children and help them to see their sin and their need for Christ. We must not just be behavior police, but rather we must shepherd their precious hearts. If I were giving this book to a new mom friend though, I would probably black out the parts on spanking and replace them with chapters from the Clarkson's book, or just give them Give Them Grace or Heartfelt Discipline instead.

Have you read Shepherding a Child's Heart? With what did you agree with or disagree with?

Next on my reading list is Grace-Based Parenting by Kimmel