If you are just now joining us for the Why I'm Not Babywise Series, Welcome! Please take some time to read the previous posts, especially my Intro/Disclaimer so you can read the rest of the posts in context. I am seeking to be very sensitive to my readers who may implement Babywise. I pray we can all show one another grace as we seek to parent all of our babies in the way God leads us. I invite considerate comments, whether you agree or disagree.
To read Part One, click here.
Achieving a Balance
There is some good advice in this section, although I am sure Ezzo and I would disagree on the practical application of it.
1." Life doesn't stop once you have a baby."
This is his first point and it is entirely true. Of course life continues, but life as you know it will never be the same. Instead of just thinking about what you want to do or about what is best for you and your husband you now have to consider this precious new baby and what is best for him. He says that life may slow down for a few weeks but it doesn't stop entirely. I would add that depending on your healing, how much help you receive, the temperament of your baby, your own personality, and how many other children you have, that life may slow down for much longer than a few weeks. Family members and friends should understand this and be supportive and offer their help.
2. "Date your spouse."
I completely agree with this statement; however Ezzo states that you should get back into a weekly date night as soon as possible. I assume that by "as soon as possible" he means within the first month. My husband and I were fortunate enough to have lots of help from grandparents that were very sensitive and loving in how they cared for our baby girl. In the height of her colicky days we NEEDED an hour away. Most of the time we tried to leave when we knew she would be sleeping for a good length of time. But to be quite honest, I didn't want to leave her and neither did my husband. We liked having her with us and missed her when we were apart from her. Most of the time we could go on dates while one of us wore her and by doing so we satisfied our need for some fun time together, and also our desire to have our baby with us. During her early months we went on nightly walks while one of us wore her, and we enjoyed great conversation as we walked along. Don't rush into a weekly date night until you are ready. My husband and I are able to spend a lot of time together at home after our baby goes to bed, and occasionally we may go out with friends and have a grandparent watch the baby. Certainly, a weekly date nights is a great thing if you can find a babysitter you are comfortable with, but only when you are ready.
3. "Continue the loving gestures you enjoyed before the baby came along."
I agree with this, but I also think that adults need to realize that things may be a little different for awhile and as adults we just need to deal with it and be understanding of one another. Of course, I am not a hopeless romantic like a lot of women, so maybe I am not the best one to speak to this.
4. "Invite some friends over for food and fellowship."
Under this point Ezzo states
"Times of hospitality force you to plan your child's day around serving others as you work together to prepare your home for guests."
I must ask, what about serving the child? He has yet to talk about serving the baby and making sacrifices for the baby. Of course, it is a good thing to have people over when you feel up to it. For us, that has just been in the past few months. She is finally to the point where bed time is pretty easy and we can plan pretty well around her schedule to have people over in the evenings. Hopefully all of my friends know that I love them, but that my baby comes first. There were times when I had a playdate planned but my baby slept a little later than I thought she would so I would have to reschedule our playdate with friends. My friends were always very understanding, and this only happened occasionally. I never felt inconvenienced putting my baby's needs before mine, and I still found ways to continue to see family and friends.
5. "At the end of each day, spend fifteen minutes sitting with your spouse discussing the day's events."
Yea right! If you have a colicky or even a normally fussy newborn this can not happen, especially in the evening. Ezzo must have been blessed with VERY easy newborns, or else he just ignored their crying. We did discuss the day's events, but it was usually as we were going on walks together while one of us wore the baby. Even now, as she is well past her colicky phase, we don't have this "couch time". When he comes home we all sit together on the floor and spend time as a family. My husband and I will talk about our days as our baby girl entertains herself right next to us. We also do show one another a healthy amount of physical affection in front of her, but we do not have "couch time" in front of her. I think she will be just fine and she will know that her daddy and I love each other and love her from other actions that she observes. When she goes to bed at night we have plenty of couch time and all other sorts of time too.
In summary, Ezzo wants you to think that if you implement Babywise it will help you to have a thriving marriage, and if you don't it will harm your marriage. Throughout the rest of the book he compares Chelsea and Marisa's families to draw this faulty conclusion. From experience I can tell you that it is possible to have a thriving marriage and to practice a more attached style of parenting as well. They are not mutually exclusive. My husband and I found great joy in meeting the needs of our newborn and responding to her cries. We supported one another and looked to one another for strength. It actually brought us closer to one another and closer to the Lord because we knew we could not do it alone.
(I know I spent a lot of time on Chapter One, but I am personally offended by Ezzo's belief and teaching that an attachment parenting family is going to produce a bratty baby and a failing marriage. )
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