When I say that I'm "that mom" in Chapter One, except I'm not...what I mean is that Gary Ezzo sets up two hypothetical scenarios in chapter one. In one scenario we are introduced to baby Chelsea and her parents. They have decided to implement Babywise and because of that they have a happy thriving marriage and a practically perfect, content, happy, sleep-through-the-night-at-eight-weeks baby. In the other scenario we are introduced to Marisa and her parents, who have not implemented Babywise, but have instead adopted Gary Ezzo's skewed version of "attachment parenting". Marisa is fussy, unhappy, high-maintenance, and the list goes on, and her parents' marriage is falling apart. Throughout the book Gary Ezzo portrays attachment parenting as brainless, lacking common sense, almost animalistic, and extremely child-centered. Through his examples of Chelsea and Marisa he leads readers to believe that they can create by their efforts a "good baby" or a "bad baby". He makes it look like there are only two parenting philosophies: Babywise, and his extremely exaggerated and skewed version of "attachment parenting", when in reality most parents adopt a style somewhere in between Babywise and AP that works for them and their family.
So Gary Ezzo would want you to believe that since I consider myself more AP than anything else, that I am "that mom" in Chapter One and Marisa is my baby. Except I am not that mom in chapter one and Marisa is not my baby. In fact, I have yet to come across an attachment parenting family that looks anything like the family he describes in chapter one. Unfortunately many people that have no previous knowledge of attachment parenting will probably believe Gary Ezzo's version and assume that anyone that considers themselves an attachment parent or a non-Babywise parent looks exactly like his exaggerated and skewed fictional AP family. Let me just tell you, this is false! Get to know an AP mom and you will see that she is far from Marisa's mom. You will probably have more in common than you would even think.
(To read more about what attachment parenting actually is check out this website by Dr.Sears. He is the pediatrician that coined the phrase "attachment parenting" although parents have been practicing this style of parenting for hundreds of years. Also check out some common myths about what attachment parenting IS NOT. It is obvious Gary Ezzo does not have his facts straight when it comes to attachment parenting.)
Now on to Chapter One "Your Baby Needs a Family. " There is A LOT in this chapter I agree with. I come from a broken family (although I do not doubt my mother and father love me immensely) and I do know there is a lot of anxiety that a child feels when a marriage is not strong. I believe the Bible teaches, and even non-Bible believers understand, that a healthy marriage is vital to the health of the entire family. In the Bible, we are shown a beautiful picture of marriage in Ephesians 5:22-33, where the husband is told to seek to love the wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. This is a sacrificial agape love that is beautiful and uplifting to the wife. In response to this love, a woman is told to submit to and respect her husband as the Church submits to Christ. (there is also an element of mutual submission but I won't get into picking apart this passage) I love the wisdom of the bible because psychologists secular and Christian agree that a woman's biggest need is love and a man's biggest need is respect. Okay, so back to my original point. I agree that a healthy and Christ-centered marriage is of first importance.
On page 22 Ezzo states:
"Of all Chelsea's [the Babywise baby] emotional needs, her most basic is knowing mom and dad love each other. Every day, Chelsea observes her mom and dad relating to one another...To Chelsea, their commitment to one another is clear. It is not unanswered in her tiny heart."Now let us remember this is a book about newborns and infants. A newborn can barely see eight inches away, so I am not sure how they are going to observe much of anything. Although as a baby gets much older they will definitely be able to observe their parents marriage and it will definitely affect their sense of emotional security, I don't think a newborn is going to be doing much of this so-called "observing". A newborns most basic emotional needs are security and trust, knowing that her needs are going to be met.
Child-Centered Parenting
He then goes on to explain child-centered parenting, which he believes is what attachment parenting is. First of all, let us remember that newborn babies are helpless and have intense needs. When considering if one would like to have a baby, I hope every mother and father goes into it knowing that parenting is hard work and takes huge amounts of sacrifice and selflessness, especially in the first few months. It is a major adjustment and life does change. Life will never be the same, no matter how "good" your baby is. Meeting your newborn baby's needs is not the same as centering the universe around them. There is no difference between wants and needs in the life of a newborn and they have no way to understand, in this stage of their development, "delayed gratification" and putting others first. You cannot spoil a baby by meeting their needs for food, love, and affection. For a time, baby does come first, at least in practicality. This does not mean that mom and dad neglect the other's needs or the needs of the other children, but for a short while in the early months a baby's needs are the priority. Mom and dad can understand that this is just for a short time and can seek to grow in patience and in having a servant's heart. Older children can also seek to learn these very important godly attributes as they help tend to the needs of the baby. There will be give and take amongst all family members as they seek to best take care of this needy and precious little newborn. Remember, this is only a very short stage in the life of a child. Meeting their needs in a loving way will not create a spoiled and demanding child, but rather a secure and well adjusted one.
Friendship and Conformity
Before I begin, let me remind you that Gary Ezzo is estranged from his adult daughters and unfortunately does not have a friendship with them. He promises in this book and his others that if you follow his methods that your relationship will blossom into a beautiful friendship by the time your children are teenagers. He tells you to observe the "end results". It is sad that his end results have not proven his proposed method.
I recently read a very fair and balanced critique of Childwise, and apparently he deals more with the role of friendship and authority in that book. Let us remember Babywise is about parenting babies, who cannot even talk yet. Ezzo tells us on page 25:
"Back at Marisa's home, her mom and dad continue to strive for buddy status. They yearn for friendship, elevating Marisa to the level of peer."I hope as my baby girl gets older than we can have a healthy relationship where she respects my authority but also feels comfortable sharing her heart with me. However, at this point in her development I probably wouldn't consider her a "friend" as Ezzo describes it, because we aren't even able to have conversations yet. Oh yes, we are buddies and she would probably consider me her favorite playmate, but I am unsure why Ezzo addresses friendship in a book about parenting a baby and infant. He says on page 26 about Chelsea and her parents:
"By the end of Chelsea's teen years, a beautiful friendship with her parents will begin to blossom. Indeed, this should be every parent's goal."My oh my! I sure do hope that my friendship with my children will blossom before they are teens. If it doesn't even begin to blossom until the time they are teens then we will have major problems. Instead of coming to my husband and I for advice about friends, dating, and peer pressure they will run to their friends. (I think Tripp does a great job of laying out a healthy balance of authority and loving communication, as well as practical applications, in his book Shepherding a Child's heart, and you can read my review of it here.) I believe it possible to be respected as a godly authority by your children, and at the same time have a healthy and thriving friendship with them. I have seen many healthy examples of this among mothers of teens and older children, so I know it is possible.
Stay tuned for Part Two of this post in a few days.
I remember visiting a new church one day and someone saying something along the lines of "What well behaved children you have, you must really know how to spank." It took me a moment to realize they were being serious.
ReplyDeleteI wish there was some way to convince people that you really do not have to look at the world as extreme views of either/or. It saddens me that so many parents have been told that they have to chose "be a parent or be a friend". Views like that just are not based on reality.
Wow! This is a great post Chalise! You are doing a great job of dissecting this book. I too am that mom, but not. I think most of us are and that's probably how Babywise spread. By instilling fear into people. People want a Chelsea, not a Marisa! I'm glad you are doing this Babywise series. I hope someone that is considering using Babywise will stumble across your blog and have a change of heart.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post. I too am disappointed that those who read Ezzo's book adopt that skewed understanding of what it means to be an attachment parent. Thanks for writing this; I hope it will clear up some of those misperceptions.
ReplyDeleteI've always wondered why people continue to take Ezzo seriously when his own grown children have no relationship with him. I assume most people, unfortunately, must just not know.
Very much enjoyed, Chalise! I agree...I definitely think you can be friends with your kids without the skewed version Ezzo sees on it. It seems like by a pretty young age (say, maybe, 13ish, give or take....) you either have your child's heart or you don't. That's not to say there isn't hope later- but most of your groundwork is laid. Assuming that after you've been a dictator, your kids will magically turn to you as their best friend when they hit 18/19 seems a bit wrong....
ReplyDeleteAll the marriage stuff out there on making sure baby doesn't interfer with your marriage, that your marriage is always your first priority, etc. ended up being really frustrating to me during the early months of Vivi's life, when I knew Ben was making sacrifices for Vivi's sake, and long term, needed more of me. I wanted to be the "perfect wife" (and perfect wives don't let their husbands sacrifice their needs for the sake of a kid, right?!) On the other hand, I'm an AP mom at heart. I just couldn't let her scream in the other room so she could learn to sleep alone and I could meet Ben's needs. And besides...Ben's thoroughly an AP dad, so he wouldn't have put up with it anyway.
Anyway...several months later, I felt like I finally had a workable "explanation"/reasoning, and wrote about it here: http://fountainlove.blogspot.com/2010/12/husband-first.html I thought you might enjoy. It was really freing to see it through this lense!
Hey I just found your blog through surfing links through a bunch of other blogs. I can't even remember how. haha. But I landed here and read because I'm from Memphis too. ;)
ReplyDeleteAnyhow I wanna let your readers know- my oldest, Ezzo'd kid is 18 now. The Ezzo Way was so completely wrong for him that I have spend thousands of dollars on therapy correcting the damage done. What he learned in his infancy is that NO ONE LISTENS TO HIM and he can't count on his needs being met.
I not only ditched Ezzo by the time he was 3 and my 3rd child was being born, but we started actively speaking out against Ezzo.
My child is 18 now, and we've been blossoming in friendship since we started therapy when he was 15. Now he likes to talk my ear off. He's succeeding. Gary Ezzo probably wouldn't like him though. ;) Most people do so it's all good. He wants to be a teacher- he wants specifically to teach high schoolers so he can make a difference in the world.
My other kids were given a mix of reliable routine while having their demands met pretty much immediately as I slowly worked them into waiting and being patient.
I say now that the "stages" are: You train your infant to trust you, your toddler to follow and adore you, your preschooler to discover and start questioning wisely. You train the elementary child to fill his own time and be productive, the tween to seek you out as a mentor and friend, and the teen to be a co-laborer... yes, a peer of sorts. I'm not to adult-children yet....but my relationship with my parents and in-laws tells me that we roll everything up into one big covenanting, intentional relationship that we have mutually agreed upon.
Thank-you MemphisMisfitMama & Birthblessed. I was shocked & outraged when I came across Babywise in my local library a few years ago. Due to being concerned about it influencing impressionable parents, I stuck the tri-fold brochure from ezzo.info inside the front cover of the book so that any potential readers can see that there are a lot of critics of this parenting information. Birthblessed: I nearly started crying when reading of your son. I think that it is so true that while unintentionally unloving parenting practices do not automatically leave the child utterly hopeless, it can often require a lot of therapy & positive input to counteract the damage done. Although my dad's frequent swiftness to anger was not Ezzo-influenced, it was damaging enough to require that I had several years of good quality counselling. Parents need to know that if they nurture their children from the start, they will not have heaps of making-up to do later.
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